Have been such a deadbeat lately. I thank God that I have the opportunity and privilege of being able to change my course of life, unlike many others. Going back to Indonesia pretty soon. Kinda, sort of excited though on the other hand I do feel some guilt in that in Indonesia with many conveniences readily available, I will not strive to develop myself. I shall try though. I think one of my virtues is trying again after a long period of giving up. I guess not being a genius have its perks.
These days, I feel that so little things have value to me. Is it what they call a spiritual death, I wonder? In turn, this has hindered my desire to strive. Not that the desire was particularly strong to start with. However I have the good fortune of people around me striving and seeing this daily struggle has lit a very dim spark for me to strive harder.
All in all, I hope that God continues to permit me to grow. I shall try myself but I know above all that I can't do it alone. Hmmm sidetracked and digression lately, my attempts of humouring others have fallen despite the fact that I watch a lot of comedy. Yes, I am silly. I think this is the most degraded all my skills have been. One aspect of Indonesia I am certain to enjoy is the piano for which I aim to improve on this summer. Other aspects I still am uncertain with but I will leave it to God. Privilege is a heavy burden to bear when you are ordinary.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Recent Annoyances and Finds
I might sound like the slackers in accordance with the Zeitgeist generation( which I kinda am but not in this context), but I do dislike it when people play hard to get (hard to reach/ignoring my attempts to reach them). As if life is not arduous and short enough as it is. On the other hand it might be that people generally dislike me but if that is not so then the world is a very annoying place indeed.
Anyway I tell myself again and again that I won't expect any romance any more and this time I suppose that it's my fault for having such expectations. Is it so horrible to have hope? After all I am young and is it so bad to hope for some kind of youthful romance? Though I suppose it has low probability of happening because of my personality. With my personality, it seems nothing lasts for long despite a short time of connection. I wonder if I do have commitment issues or some kind of underlying issue which makes me lose friends. Anyway, this entry is the epitome of hypocrisy since I am also on the hard to reach spectrum but I guess you hate traits that you most dislike in yourself. Pardon me as well because internet connection's been a bitch lately. I am used to not really having many relationships but having internet keeps me stimulated enough to keep the depression and loneliness at bay and this horrible VODAFONE wireless connection is running my temper dry.
Anyway, I really should be studying but then I can't seem to start. Here is the part where having friends would really help. All in all, those are the issues I have been troubled with lately. First world issues I know and quite shallow I am ashamed to say. But my life is miserable enough as it is without introspection so apologies for now. I shall inspect life further when my mood alleviates. But for now I bid you adieu~
Media Note: Tangled is a pretty good movie, didn't think it would be so original and with such a fresh implementation. Main character's pretty attractively portrayed and script's solid.
Manga Found: Sket Dance is excellent as well despite my previous aversion to trying it out. But it's waaaayyy better than Yankee kun to megane chan. Shingeki no kyoujin was good but I think I shall drop it simply because it is too shounen for my tastes. It is fresh but I do prefer some comedy and I can predict where the plot is going unlike Sket Dance. This is probably why I prefer comedy. I do enjoy surprise and I do like the lack of romance in Sket Dance; it cheers me up and doesn't remind me of sad happenings. Also finished Level E, pretty decent too.
Anime Found: Hanasaku no Iroha
Anime Songs Found: boku ga boku no mama, immoralist (dragon zakura), mirai nikki and deadman wonderland song.
Websites I found : 8Track
Apologies for the lack of articulation and the simplicity of the sentence constructs, typing this out very fast and without thought. Just getting thoughts down somewhere.
Anyway I tell myself again and again that I won't expect any romance any more and this time I suppose that it's my fault for having such expectations. Is it so horrible to have hope? After all I am young and is it so bad to hope for some kind of youthful romance? Though I suppose it has low probability of happening because of my personality. With my personality, it seems nothing lasts for long despite a short time of connection. I wonder if I do have commitment issues or some kind of underlying issue which makes me lose friends. Anyway, this entry is the epitome of hypocrisy since I am also on the hard to reach spectrum but I guess you hate traits that you most dislike in yourself. Pardon me as well because internet connection's been a bitch lately. I am used to not really having many relationships but having internet keeps me stimulated enough to keep the depression and loneliness at bay and this horrible VODAFONE wireless connection is running my temper dry.
Anyway, I really should be studying but then I can't seem to start. Here is the part where having friends would really help. All in all, those are the issues I have been troubled with lately. First world issues I know and quite shallow I am ashamed to say. But my life is miserable enough as it is without introspection so apologies for now. I shall inspect life further when my mood alleviates. But for now I bid you adieu~
Media Note: Tangled is a pretty good movie, didn't think it would be so original and with such a fresh implementation. Main character's pretty attractively portrayed and script's solid.
Manga Found: Sket Dance is excellent as well despite my previous aversion to trying it out. But it's waaaayyy better than Yankee kun to megane chan. Shingeki no kyoujin was good but I think I shall drop it simply because it is too shounen for my tastes. It is fresh but I do prefer some comedy and I can predict where the plot is going unlike Sket Dance. This is probably why I prefer comedy. I do enjoy surprise and I do like the lack of romance in Sket Dance; it cheers me up and doesn't remind me of sad happenings. Also finished Level E, pretty decent too.
Anime Found: Hanasaku no Iroha
Anime Songs Found: boku ga boku no mama, immoralist (dragon zakura), mirai nikki and deadman wonderland song.
Websites I found : 8Track
Apologies for the lack of articulation and the simplicity of the sentence constructs, typing this out very fast and without thought. Just getting thoughts down somewhere.
Monday, October 10, 2011
99 and lethargy
This would become my 99 th post so far. Can't believe I actually have so much to write. And so much touchy feely crap. Have been avoiding people in general these days. I think life might be cyclical in that way. There was a time near the end of high school which things like these happened as well. And at this point, I think I am pretty much done with romantic relationships. Henceforth if it came to be that I fancy a girl, I would rather let it pass than pursue it. I neither have the energy nor the perseverance to follow through and be likeable at this point. The reason why I have been avoiding people? Simply because there is enough pain in my life as it is. Not going to bother adding more. Relationships seem to change like the wind. It could be good for 3 years and then suddenly you stop talking without a clear reason... My grades seem to be independent of classes I attend so I pray it would repeat this semester as well. A pretty crap entry for my 99 th post. But meh. What can you do? Anyways have a 30% assignment which I must do which I am pretty screwed for (due in 2 days) thus the procrastination. And I do not have the stamina for assignments now in that I can't do all nighters anymore =S we'll see what I can do...
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Victories
Didn't think I would do it but finally beat Johnny in pool and ping pong. Improvements overall even in uni studies. Still love LL but let's see how time does its doing. Infatuation and obsession has faded replaced by anxiousness. Wondering what time will do. Wondering what God will do. Amen.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
What has been up
Been ages since my last update. Uni is killing me very softly for a degree which won't be my future profession. sigh. Met up with someone I've been chatting online lately and very disappointed to find myself at loss for words. On the other hand, met Laura today and had words to say to her and that's all that matters. I guess chatting online has its dangers. Or maybe I need to upgrade my social skills to cover people that don't do engineering. Anyways, found out that a mini-reunion had occured back in Indonesia. Somehow people haven't changed that much. Glad to hear that and the world keeps spinning.
Need to feel less anxious about Laura and leave it to God. Thankful to God. Whatever God has given me though I fear that I will lose it at times because I want so much more. Thus the anxiety. I feel like I am going crazy at times. Anyways uni has been interesting. Managed to convert input binary to decimal. Finally found out the source of my error, modifying the variable while always thinking the variable was 1 just because it was declared previously. Feel so stupid! But putting my brain to slightly more use though not that much...still pretty lazy. Things haven't changed that much after all!
Need to feel less anxious about Laura and leave it to God. Thankful to God. Whatever God has given me though I fear that I will lose it at times because I want so much more. Thus the anxiety. I feel like I am going crazy at times. Anyways uni has been interesting. Managed to convert input binary to decimal. Finally found out the source of my error, modifying the variable while always thinking the variable was 1 just because it was declared previously. Feel so stupid! But putting my brain to slightly more use though not that much...still pretty lazy. Things haven't changed that much after all!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Introspect
So there I was, in a party at night. I soon became embroiled in a conversation with three other friends regarding Indonesia. The conversation was very... negative. It increased my doubts regarding whether I should move back to Indonesia when I do graduate. Yet, there is no point in my staying here either...
Things I want to do now
Delete facebook, on one hand it connected me to great, new people but on the other hand...it's a very sad reminder and every time I open it, I could almost cry.
Interesting Quote: I'll die for you ...but I won't live for you.
If future Vincent finds the source one day, be sure to write it down!
Things I want to do now
Delete facebook, on one hand it connected me to great, new people but on the other hand...it's a very sad reminder and every time I open it, I could almost cry.
Interesting Quote: I'll die for you ...but I won't live for you.
If future Vincent finds the source one day, be sure to write it down!
Holiday First Week
Holidays are here. Slightly enjoyable, learning Chinese, studying programming and spending time with friends and what not. Boredom happens from time to time though. I view with dread the future when this would happen no more and all that awaits is work.
Comparatively, boredom is a pleasant state to be in. When I have free time, I think of useless things like how high school friends and all the people I have ever known are doing. Yes, I have no life and quite a good memory...:) On a side note being slightly more independent, yes, I finally learned how to operate the switch to cook rice. Will attempt to learn more cooking techniques (cook-ies?) so I can feed friends and hopefully save money. Not like I have anything to save for, but well, you never know. Had an epicly painful stomachache "yesternight", almost wished I was dead. I don't know whether that was the coffee I drank in the morning or the ice cream I had at night. Either way, not going to have either for the time being.
Having that feeling where I want to contact people but not sure whether the people I want to contact would be glad to hear from me. Slightly optimistic but have often been disappointed before so I will hold off on that. Not sure if I am being silly but life is comfortable so I'll try to stave off unknown variables for these short while. Still wondering how people are doing but I guess I will let them have their privacy no matter how curious I get. Sigh. This might be why I don't have friends. But...
Comparatively, boredom is a pleasant state to be in. When I have free time, I think of useless things like how high school friends and all the people I have ever known are doing. Yes, I have no life and quite a good memory...:) On a side note being slightly more independent, yes, I finally learned how to operate the switch to cook rice. Will attempt to learn more cooking techniques (cook-ies?) so I can feed friends and hopefully save money. Not like I have anything to save for, but well, you never know. Had an epicly painful stomachache "yesternight", almost wished I was dead. I don't know whether that was the coffee I drank in the morning or the ice cream I had at night. Either way, not going to have either for the time being.
Having that feeling where I want to contact people but not sure whether the people I want to contact would be glad to hear from me. Slightly optimistic but have often been disappointed before so I will hold off on that. Not sure if I am being silly but life is comfortable so I'll try to stave off unknown variables for these short while. Still wondering how people are doing but I guess I will let them have their privacy no matter how curious I get. Sigh. This might be why I don't have friends. But...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Friendship the only ship I have been on that had sunk
When I was younger, things such as friendship was simple and therefore beautiful.
Now somehow as I matured and growing into and adult, my thoughts have managed to turn friendship as an ugly entity. I guess losing your innocence is indeed a sort of death.
It was just high school I suppose. It was profoundly disappointing.
I thought certain people were my friends. But then they say that we aren't.
I have no idea what friends are supposed to be.
And what boundaries I am supposed to take.
Maybe it's enough that we had struggled together.
Maybe I am one of those people who are good to study with.
But not worth spending time over anything else.
Meeting people from high school again became awkward despite of how close I thought we were.
And I am struck by this thought.
Am I the only one who remembers the times we had?
I suppose forgetting is inevitable. But it still made me so sad despite how my rationale had accepted this. My heart had yet to reconcile what my mind had accepted.
Over time, I hope that God would have the grace to let me forget these memories as well. Treasuring these memories the other person doesn't remember is quite painful.
Sometimes I wish that God didn't give me such a good memory.But well I am thankful nevertheless. Though maybe when I have the luxury of having many, many friends, I would be the same as them and forget everything. That's why they like cameras I guess while I can still count on my memories.
Side note, went sand boarding yesterday on a Port Stephen's trip. Went four times. It was fun I suppose but my heart wasn't in the state of enjoying it as much. Felt guilty about waking up LL in the morning but well, I am not very good at waiting these days. And it was at 9 so hopefully she got enough rest to not be too pissed at me. Wonder if when she was going for exchange I would lose her as well. But well I'll still be grateful to God even for those that have forgotten me. I didn't have anything to offer to them anyway and so, even if the friendship they extended was because of lack of choice or to be more correct, propinquity. Well, at least I am now good at letting go. Or either I am too good at letting go and it was all my fault. Either way, I can't change it and I'll just have to accept that this is a part of my life.
Now somehow as I matured and growing into and adult, my thoughts have managed to turn friendship as an ugly entity. I guess losing your innocence is indeed a sort of death.
It was just high school I suppose. It was profoundly disappointing.
I thought certain people were my friends. But then they say that we aren't.
I have no idea what friends are supposed to be.
And what boundaries I am supposed to take.
Maybe it's enough that we had struggled together.
Maybe I am one of those people who are good to study with.
But not worth spending time over anything else.
Meeting people from high school again became awkward despite of how close I thought we were.
And I am struck by this thought.
Am I the only one who remembers the times we had?
I suppose forgetting is inevitable. But it still made me so sad despite how my rationale had accepted this. My heart had yet to reconcile what my mind had accepted.
Over time, I hope that God would have the grace to let me forget these memories as well. Treasuring these memories the other person doesn't remember is quite painful.
Sometimes I wish that God didn't give me such a good memory.But well I am thankful nevertheless. Though maybe when I have the luxury of having many, many friends, I would be the same as them and forget everything. That's why they like cameras I guess while I can still count on my memories.
Side note, went sand boarding yesterday on a Port Stephen's trip. Went four times. It was fun I suppose but my heart wasn't in the state of enjoying it as much. Felt guilty about waking up LL in the morning but well, I am not very good at waiting these days. And it was at 9 so hopefully she got enough rest to not be too pissed at me. Wonder if when she was going for exchange I would lose her as well. But well I'll still be grateful to God even for those that have forgotten me. I didn't have anything to offer to them anyway and so, even if the friendship they extended was because of lack of choice or to be more correct, propinquity. Well, at least I am now good at letting go. Or either I am too good at letting go and it was all my fault. Either way, I can't change it and I'll just have to accept that this is a part of my life.
Friday, April 22, 2011
LL - In the process of doing something
I have told this story to a couple of people already but yet I still feel quite unsatisfied until I put down the entirety of this story as what I have given to people is not the complete story since I wasn't in the best state of mind to convey it.
People I have told include my friends AA, BRA, JLI and a new friend, DEV. I could write it somewhere but I would probably lose it and this is something I wish not to forget.
It all started approximately 4 months ago from the onset of the third week of MMAN1130 where we needed to go to TAFE. When I heard L's name I thought it was funny as I thought it was improbable that LMY had a Caucasian friend and when I asked her about L's name she had said that L was local. To tell the truth I was quickly attracted to L.
I had always been attracted to a certain type of people...I think I am attracted to people who are similar to me; independent loners...for whatever reason. I suppose it is because I think they would understand me. I grew more and more infatuated with her though I did do a good job of hiding it. I directed my social interaction to a guy DCH though because I didn't know how I was supposed to act around her with my growing infatuation and all. But I get the feeling DCH was growing feelings for LL though. I probably should not have joked about that but as you would later see, I wasn't very good with controlling my emotions and jokes are my outlet of emotions. You could probably tell my state of mind from the kind of jokes I spout at the moment. I soon learned she studies a lot in the library and everyday I would scour the library looking for her. Yep, I was smitten all right. Then I did something I wasn't proud of...that day I found out that DCH got Skype and managed to add me. When I asked him about it I found out that he had been in contact with LL. I couldn't describe how I felt then. My blood was literally running cold. I was scared and paranoid. terrified I was going to lose her.
Then TAFE was over, nothing further happened between us though because of my paranoia I began to text her a bit more. Wishing her good studying for exam, asking her about the progress of the fine we got and telling her about the song "tell Laura I love her". But when I got back to Indonesia for my holiday, I tried not to think of her which was to some degree half successful. When I got back to Oz though I had it set in my mind that I will give up on her if she did not contact me throughout the holiday. Though surprisingly she did contact me which I thought was very out of character of her though she did contact everybody in our TAFE group. And again I thought that was because she was more keen to be with DCH than me as they both had an Australian background and speaks English. When it came to that day, I tried my best to show disinterest and leave her to be with DCH. She didn't show any signs at all though and I knew that I had fallen for a troublesome girl because she was probably going to be cool in her affections. She does talk more with females and she does laugh with guys but that made me feel much more insecure because she doesn't really laugh when she was with me. Then again, I don't really make jokes and I don't really laugh that much when I am with her as well. So...
Anyways school starts and I find myself doing 3 subjects with her. With 1 being a mechatronics subject. I introduced her to my friends and during the first few weeks of uni I pretty much hung around her. Ah almost forgot, during O week she did invite me to join robogals which I did. Then she asked me to go to an acoustic night. Which we did go though I didn't have my hopes up and expected her to invite other people as well. But she didn't! We had fun (I hope...she being so nice, its hard to tell if she is really having fun or being courteous) Soon I found myself hanging around her all the time. And I thought that things were going well but soon I found that my feelings for her are going out of control. I tried to tag along with her almost everywhere and I think she began to get annoyed. Which I kinda understand as she probably needs space. She then said something like "I think you know too much about me...its kinda scary" to which I replied stupidly "really? I think its normal" then I foolish brought up my knowledge about her club activities which not many people knew about. I then assured her that I would do my best to forget. It soon reached a point though when we were hanging out, she got really annoyed when I tried to insist to accompany her to the bus stop. To which she said "please don't" at which I knew I was being too overbearing.
I soon knew that I should tell her how I feel or we would stop being friends. Even if we stop being friends, at least I can move on, right? Thinking about her so obsessively, so jealously, I found so hard to bear. I really wished I was dead. So I wrote a letter along the lines of "I am sorry for sticking so close to you but it was because I like you and if you can't forgive me I understand if you want to stop being friends" and passed it to her right after a lecture and promptly ran off after she accepted reluctantly. Date when this happened 17 March 2011...She replied with a text 7 minutes later saying; "hey, you don't have to apologize. Thanks for telling me what you think. I think we should stay friends. no hard feelings yea?" I was relieved to be honest. I didn't know why. I was rejected after all but...I felt glad that I did it. I faced my fears and finally told a girl how I felt about her. That night, I met her in the lab and it was kinda awkward. I was filling up water and when she got into the lift she waited for me to which I told her to go ahead. To which she said "don't be like that" I could tell she was trying to be nice to me, which I didn't like for some reason. When I lent her my laptop to do her adaptive tutorial, she patted my back and said "thanks for lending me your laptop yea?" I tried my best to be distant though. I handled it well but its not like I was completely fine.
I could go on and on but fast forward to today we are closer to each other than we are to any of our other friends though we are still kinda cool around each other. We went to an engineering talk yesterday. She seemed tired though and I am feeling insecure. Am I boring her? Have we lost things to talk about? I think I might actually really know too much about her that I don't know sometimes what to talk about and I feel like I am repeating myself sometimes which I don't like doing. It doesn't help that she laughs easily at things other guys say...kinda? I dunno, its making me feel so insecure. Being so paranoid doesn't do too good to your judgement. But then again...I feel weary too. I feel like I have lost the high of the infatuation...I know I love her. Or at least I think I know I love her. But do I? Is she just a transient part of life? I mean when I am with her I know I am content and the closest to an emotion than these recent apathy. But she doesn't seem too interested in me or does she? Is it meant to be or just in my head? I don't know how to interpret her actions sometimes. I know she knows I like her. Why does she invite me to these engineering talks and working on an assignment on Tuesday? Like without anybody else? Then again she might not have anyone else to go with...then again when I try to leave her alone she expects me to go with her like a few days ago when she is going to the lab to meet someone but she asks me whether I am coming with her. But that might be because she wants a friend...
For now I will be her friend despite my feelings of anhedonia. I feel so joyless nowadays but I hope, I hope I can make her happy still. I will do my best to make myself happy so I can do a better job of making her happy. I don't know what the future holds. We might end up together. Or she might go on her exchange and we'll be strangers. After all we are not doing the same courses all the time, given that she is doing a double degree and I am doing half of her degree. I am horrible...I want to go to an exchange to be kinda closer with her so that I could help her if she gets in trouble. I want to do a master of biomedical engineering not only because I love biology but because I want to finish my degree on the same year..and take the same subjects. All in all, because of her I have been a better person. I have been sleeping early and waking up earlier. I have been trying to study more so I can teach her and compete with her though she is still winning even though personally I think I am somewhat smarter but she is more careful and detailed I suppose. I do get jealous when guys approach her...so I have been hitting walls which I think might help me get into martial arts easier haha. I wish I have the same positive effect on her. But I got her into Facebook instead ==
Anyways this is probably the first time that I have this kind of relationship where I have clearly stated my intentions to the girl and she still hangs around so I don't know whether this is going to be my first serious relationship or another heartbreak like with RAH. I am feeling quite apathetic now to everything for some reason. I guess my brain chemistry's still messed up so I will wait until I am right again before I make up my mind on whether to stop going deeper or just going with the flow.
*Note: my mum thinks she is not good looking at all and so does my friends but I dunno why I love looking at her while the girls my sister thinks is pretty I could not care less about. If I care about looks I would buy porn...or go for prostitutes. She just have the looks I am personally attracted to I guess though I know that she is probably objectively not super beautiful or pretty...she has a turnoff that I don't mind on her. Also just how she smells turns me on...makes it really hard to stay in control when I am around her sometimes.
People I have told include my friends AA, BRA, JLI and a new friend, DEV. I could write it somewhere but I would probably lose it and this is something I wish not to forget.
It all started approximately 4 months ago from the onset of the third week of MMAN1130 where we needed to go to TAFE. When I heard L's name I thought it was funny as I thought it was improbable that LMY had a Caucasian friend and when I asked her about L's name she had said that L was local. To tell the truth I was quickly attracted to L.
I had always been attracted to a certain type of people...I think I am attracted to people who are similar to me; independent loners...for whatever reason. I suppose it is because I think they would understand me. I grew more and more infatuated with her though I did do a good job of hiding it. I directed my social interaction to a guy DCH though because I didn't know how I was supposed to act around her with my growing infatuation and all. But I get the feeling DCH was growing feelings for LL though. I probably should not have joked about that but as you would later see, I wasn't very good with controlling my emotions and jokes are my outlet of emotions. You could probably tell my state of mind from the kind of jokes I spout at the moment. I soon learned she studies a lot in the library and everyday I would scour the library looking for her. Yep, I was smitten all right. Then I did something I wasn't proud of...that day I found out that DCH got Skype and managed to add me. When I asked him about it I found out that he had been in contact with LL. I couldn't describe how I felt then. My blood was literally running cold. I was scared and paranoid. terrified I was going to lose her.
Then TAFE was over, nothing further happened between us though because of my paranoia I began to text her a bit more. Wishing her good studying for exam, asking her about the progress of the fine we got and telling her about the song "tell Laura I love her". But when I got back to Indonesia for my holiday, I tried not to think of her which was to some degree half successful. When I got back to Oz though I had it set in my mind that I will give up on her if she did not contact me throughout the holiday. Though surprisingly she did contact me which I thought was very out of character of her though she did contact everybody in our TAFE group. And again I thought that was because she was more keen to be with DCH than me as they both had an Australian background and speaks English. When it came to that day, I tried my best to show disinterest and leave her to be with DCH. She didn't show any signs at all though and I knew that I had fallen for a troublesome girl because she was probably going to be cool in her affections. She does talk more with females and she does laugh with guys but that made me feel much more insecure because she doesn't really laugh when she was with me. Then again, I don't really make jokes and I don't really laugh that much when I am with her as well. So...
Anyways school starts and I find myself doing 3 subjects with her. With 1 being a mechatronics subject. I introduced her to my friends and during the first few weeks of uni I pretty much hung around her. Ah almost forgot, during O week she did invite me to join robogals which I did. Then she asked me to go to an acoustic night. Which we did go though I didn't have my hopes up and expected her to invite other people as well. But she didn't! We had fun (I hope...she being so nice, its hard to tell if she is really having fun or being courteous) Soon I found myself hanging around her all the time. And I thought that things were going well but soon I found that my feelings for her are going out of control. I tried to tag along with her almost everywhere and I think she began to get annoyed. Which I kinda understand as she probably needs space. She then said something like "I think you know too much about me...its kinda scary" to which I replied stupidly "really? I think its normal" then I foolish brought up my knowledge about her club activities which not many people knew about. I then assured her that I would do my best to forget. It soon reached a point though when we were hanging out, she got really annoyed when I tried to insist to accompany her to the bus stop. To which she said "please don't" at which I knew I was being too overbearing.
I soon knew that I should tell her how I feel or we would stop being friends. Even if we stop being friends, at least I can move on, right? Thinking about her so obsessively, so jealously, I found so hard to bear. I really wished I was dead. So I wrote a letter along the lines of "I am sorry for sticking so close to you but it was because I like you and if you can't forgive me I understand if you want to stop being friends" and passed it to her right after a lecture and promptly ran off after she accepted reluctantly. Date when this happened 17 March 2011...She replied with a text 7 minutes later saying; "hey, you don't have to apologize. Thanks for telling me what you think. I think we should stay friends. no hard feelings yea?" I was relieved to be honest. I didn't know why. I was rejected after all but...I felt glad that I did it. I faced my fears and finally told a girl how I felt about her. That night, I met her in the lab and it was kinda awkward. I was filling up water and when she got into the lift she waited for me to which I told her to go ahead. To which she said "don't be like that" I could tell she was trying to be nice to me, which I didn't like for some reason. When I lent her my laptop to do her adaptive tutorial, she patted my back and said "thanks for lending me your laptop yea?" I tried my best to be distant though. I handled it well but its not like I was completely fine.
I could go on and on but fast forward to today we are closer to each other than we are to any of our other friends though we are still kinda cool around each other. We went to an engineering talk yesterday. She seemed tired though and I am feeling insecure. Am I boring her? Have we lost things to talk about? I think I might actually really know too much about her that I don't know sometimes what to talk about and I feel like I am repeating myself sometimes which I don't like doing. It doesn't help that she laughs easily at things other guys say...kinda? I dunno, its making me feel so insecure. Being so paranoid doesn't do too good to your judgement. But then again...I feel weary too. I feel like I have lost the high of the infatuation...I know I love her. Or at least I think I know I love her. But do I? Is she just a transient part of life? I mean when I am with her I know I am content and the closest to an emotion than these recent apathy. But she doesn't seem too interested in me or does she? Is it meant to be or just in my head? I don't know how to interpret her actions sometimes. I know she knows I like her. Why does she invite me to these engineering talks and working on an assignment on Tuesday? Like without anybody else? Then again she might not have anyone else to go with...then again when I try to leave her alone she expects me to go with her like a few days ago when she is going to the lab to meet someone but she asks me whether I am coming with her. But that might be because she wants a friend...
For now I will be her friend despite my feelings of anhedonia. I feel so joyless nowadays but I hope, I hope I can make her happy still. I will do my best to make myself happy so I can do a better job of making her happy. I don't know what the future holds. We might end up together. Or she might go on her exchange and we'll be strangers. After all we are not doing the same courses all the time, given that she is doing a double degree and I am doing half of her degree. I am horrible...I want to go to an exchange to be kinda closer with her so that I could help her if she gets in trouble. I want to do a master of biomedical engineering not only because I love biology but because I want to finish my degree on the same year..and take the same subjects. All in all, because of her I have been a better person. I have been sleeping early and waking up earlier. I have been trying to study more so I can teach her and compete with her though she is still winning even though personally I think I am somewhat smarter but she is more careful and detailed I suppose. I do get jealous when guys approach her...so I have been hitting walls which I think might help me get into martial arts easier haha. I wish I have the same positive effect on her. But I got her into Facebook instead ==
Anyways this is probably the first time that I have this kind of relationship where I have clearly stated my intentions to the girl and she still hangs around so I don't know whether this is going to be my first serious relationship or another heartbreak like with RAH. I am feeling quite apathetic now to everything for some reason. I guess my brain chemistry's still messed up so I will wait until I am right again before I make up my mind on whether to stop going deeper or just going with the flow.
*Note: my mum thinks she is not good looking at all and so does my friends but I dunno why I love looking at her while the girls my sister thinks is pretty I could not care less about. If I care about looks I would buy porn...or go for prostitutes. She just have the looks I am personally attracted to I guess though I know that she is probably objectively not super beautiful or pretty...she has a turnoff that I don't mind on her. Also just how she smells turns me on...makes it really hard to stay in control when I am around her sometimes.
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