Monday, September 24, 2012
Breaking Things
I think I can understand the appeal of destruction.
To destroy something is to tie yourself to its existence; in a manner to have owned it even for an instant.
I am now presented with an opportunity to destroy something,
I look forward to it.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Contemplations
An interesting point that I have taken notice of is the Chinese character for love. The traditional way of writing contains the character for "heart" above the character for "friends". Fast forward a thousand years to the present day and the simplified version has done away with the character for heart leaving only the character for "friends".
It brings an interesting point of whether or not love in its passionate, tragic form still existed in this modern era. The kind of love that inspires legends and plays and proses. Something perfect. Instead of the platonic, "there's no one else so why not"
I still have no idea what love is supposed to be. Is it that I am blind to it? Or does it exist no more?
As a part of this modern generation, I find myself asking whether I feel less than the previous generations. That after vicariously experiencing countless emotions that I can feel no more of my own feelings. I am blessed in this respect that I have found another who I think can relate.
I think my days of complaining about failing at attempts of a romantic relationship is over. I do not think I want a romantic relationship any more. Of course at times I still entertain flights of fancy regarding pursuing a relationship with so and so girl. But I suspect that most of these desires probably stems from a loneliness that will never leave. Even so I realize that one day I might have to at least attempt something in this area to appease my parents.
If there's one thing I am good at, it's being objective. I know I am a nice guy or at least I have the appearance of so. But at the same time I know this does not entitle me to a romantic relationship because I know I am not very interesting. I am not used to social interaction and making people laugh/be happy. When I was in high school, I had girls to like and I would entertain notions of swooping them off their feet. Well now that I am older, I realize that I am not of such sort. I am not someone who can sustain a long term relationship. Heck, I've even failed at platonic friendships much less romantic ones. Not only that, it's hard for me to get close to people much less give my all to a person. But even so, I find that there's nothing wrong with being alone. I can be true to myself, untouched and unchanged. Of course, there's always that doubt that not being loved I have failed in life or in some respect. But now, I realize that I am good at certain things like computers while being horrible with people and love.
These days, I have been reading up on mythologies and the like. I think the only connections to people that I will never tire of seems to be books and the stories they tell. Maybe because I like something "deep" and confessional. It is as if I partook in a secret with the author and that we were friends and then I didn't feel so lonely any more and thoughts of the people I have loved and lost didn't bother me any more.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Not Much Happening But I Type Anyway
Pretty trippy format changes in blogspot. Huh. I guess nothing stays forever. And one day so would blogspot and the internet I guess. Then I would be pretty pissed that I put most my thoughts on the internet instead of on paper. So much for leaving behind a part of myself. Probably should get into painting but remembering vincent van gogh's life turns me away from the idea.
Speak of which I've been better about past issues lately, however it worsens after a bout of pornography. I guess it really was lust after all. I hope this person is not my last. That would be so shit. And quite a waste.
Speak of which this is post 112. Should have stopped after 111 but then again as long as I feel like it I will keep writing even though things I talk about get more and more shallow or lamer. Selfish I know but I don't give a damn. Bye 111~
Visited a hikkomori culture website today. And damn if that didn't depress me. So called hikkomoris get more romance than I do.
Now if that's not depressing I don't know what is.
Got a bunch of animes and visual novels lately. It got me happier than I have ever been these days.
Speak of which reading just a bit of my previous entries. THEY ARE SO ...LAME. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE BETTER CRAP...
Well I guess I am not as talented for drama as I thought. It's actually quite a downer.
Mother was on my case about grades...this could turn quite ugly. I haven't been that slack but I guess third year is not as easy after all. I underestimated it? But not exactly as lazy. Well oh wells what will be will be. I'll think about it more.
Special Call Out to Katawa Shoujo for good writing on Rin Tezuka route and giving me warm feels for Hanako route. Emi was pretty enjoyable as well but a bit shallow. I guess I have a thing for pathos. Will elaborate more next time when it's less late. I think niche interests would get this blog more views. Ego on my part wanting to get more people's views. I guess since I don't have facebook though I am a little justified? I guess...
Tried reactivating facebook...but motion denied. Your call God.
Sometimes I think my life is meant to be solitary and lonely. I haven't been proven wrong yet so far. Sucks being a guy... probably being a girl is better suited for my personality type...
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Love is War
Recently, a lot of things about the group has come to light. Hidden romances and jealousy and the like.
It's all very complicated with such ridiculously calculated decisions underneath a persona of simplicity. I guess I have stepped into the world of adult relationships now. Though I remain uninvolved, I want the simplicity of something pure and being around these relational politics is not particularly pleasant especially since there's not much up for grabs (understandable if money or power's involved but this is just an ego grab). It annoys me to no end that relationships are complex where things could be so simple. I guess that's why I'll probably never have a girlfriend; I don't have a strategy nor do I calculate my actions.
The only thing I can do is spend time with the people I love and hope for reciprocation which often never comes.
Maybe I should change, since the world wouldn't change for me but at the end of the day I don't know if I could still like myself if I lost that part of my innocence.
For all my flaws, my attitude to relationships have been something I found the least repulsive.
It's all very complicated with such ridiculously calculated decisions underneath a persona of simplicity. I guess I have stepped into the world of adult relationships now. Though I remain uninvolved, I want the simplicity of something pure and being around these relational politics is not particularly pleasant especially since there's not much up for grabs (understandable if money or power's involved but this is just an ego grab). It annoys me to no end that relationships are complex where things could be so simple. I guess that's why I'll probably never have a girlfriend; I don't have a strategy nor do I calculate my actions.
The only thing I can do is spend time with the people I love and hope for reciprocation which often never comes.
Maybe I should change, since the world wouldn't change for me but at the end of the day I don't know if I could still like myself if I lost that part of my innocence.
For all my flaws, my attitude to relationships have been something I found the least repulsive.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The Man Without A Phone
"Let's break up"
"Why?"
"You are always so hard to reach. I mean look around us. Where can you find a man without a phone these days? I didn't think I would mind at first but...now its al-"
"Alright"
In a world where love came to be from words on a screen, without a face.
There is the man without a phone sitting in a coffee shop.
The very first love of his life, the girl of his dreams transformed into a shallow caricature of society's desires.
Or did he think like that because he thought she was so beautiful?
Even as she left he could not stop the throbbing in his heart, mind and sex.
Yet he had always been prepared to say goodbye.
She had always been popular.
Guys would call her, text her, chat with her, hug her, yearn for her.
But the man without a phone thought that even without a burning passion, without overwhelming wealth that there lies something that rendered all the realities of the world unreal.
But of course, it's not without reason that the man without a phone threw away his phone.
"Why?"
"You are always so hard to reach. I mean look around us. Where can you find a man without a phone these days? I didn't think I would mind at first but...now its al-"
"Alright"
In a world where love came to be from words on a screen, without a face.
There is the man without a phone sitting in a coffee shop.
The very first love of his life, the girl of his dreams transformed into a shallow caricature of society's desires.
Or did he think like that because he thought she was so beautiful?
Even as she left he could not stop the throbbing in his heart, mind and sex.
Yet he had always been prepared to say goodbye.
She had always been popular.
Guys would call her, text her, chat with her, hug her, yearn for her.
But the man without a phone thought that even without a burning passion, without overwhelming wealth that there lies something that rendered all the realities of the world unreal.
But of course, it's not without reason that the man without a phone threw away his phone.
Thousand Stories
There are approximately seven billion human beings on earth.
Seven Billion Unique Snowflakes.
Their descent from heaven to earth a chronicle on its own. At least seven billion stories on this earth, without regard for predecessors because their stories might have been forgotten. Not even counting little stories independent or dependent of their coming into the earth.
And here writes one of those seven billion. With billions more worthy, more knowledgeable, more strong, more wise, more wealthy, more talented, more kind, more spiritual or more lucky than he.
As it stands, there is no point in being unique if you have no uses isn't there?
Especially when there are billions better.
For now, all he can do is collect stories and write about them.
Because my friend, new stories are born everyday even without imagination. Forgotten they may be so there is always something to do for the story keeper, to preserve the uniqueness of each beautiful snowflake before their journey ends and they become water.
Some snowflakes manage to achieve enough strength to carve their shape into the world.
However this being will carve the shape of those without power and without desire into the world. Because the world is unfair and God is unfair, the forgotten storyteller will try to at least make the world remember. Because life is hard, people are cruel and the world doesn't care.
And maybe the storyteller will be remembered by someone one day.
Seven Billion Unique Snowflakes.
Their descent from heaven to earth a chronicle on its own. At least seven billion stories on this earth, without regard for predecessors because their stories might have been forgotten. Not even counting little stories independent or dependent of their coming into the earth.
And here writes one of those seven billion. With billions more worthy, more knowledgeable, more strong, more wise, more wealthy, more talented, more kind, more spiritual or more lucky than he.
As it stands, there is no point in being unique if you have no uses isn't there?
Especially when there are billions better.
For now, all he can do is collect stories and write about them.
Because my friend, new stories are born everyday even without imagination. Forgotten they may be so there is always something to do for the story keeper, to preserve the uniqueness of each beautiful snowflake before their journey ends and they become water.
Some snowflakes manage to achieve enough strength to carve their shape into the world.
However this being will carve the shape of those without power and without desire into the world. Because the world is unfair and God is unfair, the forgotten storyteller will try to at least make the world remember. Because life is hard, people are cruel and the world doesn't care.
And maybe the storyteller will be remembered by someone one day.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Which Degree??
Choosing a degree is such a pain in the arse.
Right now, my options are as follows; mechanical or manufacturing.
When I think of manufacturing however, I get the feeling of wanting to cry for reasons unknown.
However, when I think of mechanical I just feel tired and know I wouldn't be motivated to put in effort.
What should I do God?
Right now, my options are as follows; mechanical or manufacturing.
When I think of manufacturing however, I get the feeling of wanting to cry for reasons unknown.
However, when I think of mechanical I just feel tired and know I wouldn't be motivated to put in effort.
What should I do God?
Friday, March 23, 2012
I can understand those idiots
If I can say what it is, the closest that I can imagine it as is that it is the
burden of existence.
Drugs and Cigarettes.
burden of existence.
Drugs and Cigarettes.
giant killing
I don't understand it but in a way I am furious at the moment. But it wasn't because bad luck happened nor was it a person, it was humanity as a whole I am angry at and my own weak, weak self. I sincerely hate this world and the people in it.
Speak of which, today I was reminded of something from pita-ten which was said again in medaka box( epic chapter 139). It was one of those things that I was always reminded of when I meet someone nice. That is; too much heart, too much love, too much respect, too much admiration, too much kindness, too much understanding, too much compassion, too much thankfulness
becomes an act of cruel violence. Which I understood.
Today, I think I have no more feelings neither good nor bad for anyone nor anything.
By jove I hope life is really not cyclical and that things will change for the better , that a better tomorrow lies ahead because I wonder how long
Speak of which, today I was reminded of something from pita-ten which was said again in medaka box( epic chapter 139). It was one of those things that I was always reminded of when I meet someone nice. That is; too much heart, too much love, too much respect, too much admiration, too much kindness, too much understanding, too much compassion, too much thankfulness
becomes an act of cruel violence. Which I understood.
Today, I think I have no more feelings neither good nor bad for anyone nor anything.
By jove I hope life is really not cyclical and that things will change for the better , that a better tomorrow lies ahead because I wonder how long
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Conciousness
Why does everything seem like a cliche? Movies, conversations and the like.
Well maybe so in the theory of my little world, but then there are times that something you find sends shivers down your spine. Does that make life worth living?
Isn't life quite odd then. These long sentences of dullness punctuated by brief periods of color. Is it worth reading the sentence when all you are looking for is the final dot in "the end"?
Of cliches, perhaps a suitable comparison I could make is that feeling of certainty that you have let go of your feelings for a girl only to be betrayed by your very own heartbeat upon meeting her.
When I contemplate about the people who have forgotten me or past friends, I feel quite sad? It probably bodes not very well that I no longer care as much about meeting them and returning to the supposed good old days. Odd isn't it to find things cliche but yet seek nostalgia? The previous year I was looking forward so much to meeting people I haven't met for so long. And when I met them, it was truly disappointing. People are always so incredibly disappointing. I suppose unrequited feelings are a forte of mine though its quite painful to be forgotten long ago. Just once I want to be pleasantly surprised instead of feeling disappointed at myself and everyone.
There's so little things I am good at. It's quite terrifying really. Being so
replaceable?
disposable?
Of all the things to feel normalcy in. It had to be these feelings.
Well Fuck. Quite odd how a person without any spectacular traits lack ambition or the better aspects in life. Like consideration and love. God's plans are odd to say the best (If there is a plan).
Is this all there is to life? I am quite content, I don't seem to have regrets. I have done things and there doesn't seem to be much more to life for me to do. (perhaps sex and drugs? which are highly unlikely for me)
But all the same...I still don't know what it means to be happy.
Quite a lot of leg pain from over exercise. On the bright side I kinda understand how house m.d. feels. On the other hand, it's not pleasant at all. Damn him damn him. How painful it is to be constricted by your own body! For my legs to betray me! I am disappointed to say the least.
I am terrified. It seems I seem to be getting accustomed to being alone. More and more. More and more. More and more. Maybe I should stay off the internet. But I can't seem to enjoy people's company as much anymore except for very few exceptions. There never seems to be anything that you can do to make somebody happy. There's always going to be some gripe. Bitches. Maybe I am not around the right people? IF that is so. Why are there so little of the right people?
I am so tired without suffering. Sorry blog, you are my only place to whine. If anyone ever read this and thinks that I am a whiner. Well Fuck you. You with the friends, lover, good grades, ambitions, goals and success. Fuck you.
Odd really. Even those with little to live for still want to live for that little all the same. But if you ask me, I honestly don't know what it is. Perhaps it's because I still have some ways to go like a child who only lives because he is living. But even so. It really is tiring. Life. I can only wait for Gordot now.
Recent Happenings: Its 2012 now. I probably won't remember to write 2012 on dates and still keep writing 2011 for a while. How time flies. Only last year I lost a love, I hope this year would be more pleasant. 2011 was horrible to say the least. Many people died (Saddam Hussein, Kim Jeong Il, Gaddafi, Dennis Ritchie, Steve Jobs, Amy Winehouse) it really is quite saddening thinking of the end of life. Quite disappointing to think that I used to love a girl who would regard a loss of life with amusement. You know what Fuck her, if I regret one thing in Sydney it would be meeting her. I might be the fox with sour grapes but you know, I don't like fruits that much anyway. Worse comes to worst, I'll save up for a prostitute. It annoyed me that I had these deluge of feelings really and it annoyed me now for lack of them.
Why can't God be a moderate God?
All in all, Kim Jeong Un holding the reins seem interesting. Though I doubt anything would happen, no one's that irrational these days it seems. Worried about supposed future solar activities of 2012 though (What would I do without internet???)Really should read up on current events so I can update this blog more. I mean all this emotional stuff feels good to release but then the occasional thing on current events can't hurt either to build up my writing skills (or what little of it I have). Note: Brush up on Chinese! One of the very few things that I can hold over anyone might perhaps be my bilingualism (not as much bi as semi quad at this point though muahahaha) Worried I might be losing my mind/intelligence at the moment. But well might be time for me to pull up my sleeves and screw everyone over. After all even I am dumb, I can be a creative bastard and if I am dumb doesn't that mean my tricks would be harder to see through? Way to look at the bright side though.
Well maybe so in the theory of my little world, but then there are times that something you find sends shivers down your spine. Does that make life worth living?
Isn't life quite odd then. These long sentences of dullness punctuated by brief periods of color. Is it worth reading the sentence when all you are looking for is the final dot in "the end"?
Of cliches, perhaps a suitable comparison I could make is that feeling of certainty that you have let go of your feelings for a girl only to be betrayed by your very own heartbeat upon meeting her.
When I contemplate about the people who have forgotten me or past friends, I feel quite sad? It probably bodes not very well that I no longer care as much about meeting them and returning to the supposed good old days. Odd isn't it to find things cliche but yet seek nostalgia? The previous year I was looking forward so much to meeting people I haven't met for so long. And when I met them, it was truly disappointing. People are always so incredibly disappointing. I suppose unrequited feelings are a forte of mine though its quite painful to be forgotten long ago. Just once I want to be pleasantly surprised instead of feeling disappointed at myself and everyone.
There's so little things I am good at. It's quite terrifying really. Being so
replaceable?
disposable?
Of all the things to feel normalcy in. It had to be these feelings.
Well Fuck. Quite odd how a person without any spectacular traits lack ambition or the better aspects in life. Like consideration and love. God's plans are odd to say the best (If there is a plan).
Is this all there is to life? I am quite content, I don't seem to have regrets. I have done things and there doesn't seem to be much more to life for me to do. (perhaps sex and drugs? which are highly unlikely for me)
But all the same...I still don't know what it means to be happy.
Quite a lot of leg pain from over exercise. On the bright side I kinda understand how house m.d. feels. On the other hand, it's not pleasant at all. Damn him damn him. How painful it is to be constricted by your own body! For my legs to betray me! I am disappointed to say the least.
I am terrified. It seems I seem to be getting accustomed to being alone. More and more. More and more. More and more. Maybe I should stay off the internet. But I can't seem to enjoy people's company as much anymore except for very few exceptions. There never seems to be anything that you can do to make somebody happy. There's always going to be some gripe. Bitches. Maybe I am not around the right people? IF that is so. Why are there so little of the right people?
I am so tired without suffering. Sorry blog, you are my only place to whine. If anyone ever read this and thinks that I am a whiner. Well Fuck you. You with the friends, lover, good grades, ambitions, goals and success. Fuck you.
Odd really. Even those with little to live for still want to live for that little all the same. But if you ask me, I honestly don't know what it is. Perhaps it's because I still have some ways to go like a child who only lives because he is living. But even so. It really is tiring. Life. I can only wait for Gordot now.
Recent Happenings: Its 2012 now. I probably won't remember to write 2012 on dates and still keep writing 2011 for a while. How time flies. Only last year I lost a love, I hope this year would be more pleasant. 2011 was horrible to say the least. Many people died (Saddam Hussein, Kim Jeong Il, Gaddafi, Dennis Ritchie, Steve Jobs, Amy Winehouse) it really is quite saddening thinking of the end of life. Quite disappointing to think that I used to love a girl who would regard a loss of life with amusement. You know what Fuck her, if I regret one thing in Sydney it would be meeting her. I might be the fox with sour grapes but you know, I don't like fruits that much anyway. Worse comes to worst, I'll save up for a prostitute. It annoyed me that I had these deluge of feelings really and it annoyed me now for lack of them.
Why can't God be a moderate God?
All in all, Kim Jeong Un holding the reins seem interesting. Though I doubt anything would happen, no one's that irrational these days it seems. Worried about supposed future solar activities of 2012 though (What would I do without internet???)Really should read up on current events so I can update this blog more. I mean all this emotional stuff feels good to release but then the occasional thing on current events can't hurt either to build up my writing skills (or what little of it I have). Note: Brush up on Chinese! One of the very few things that I can hold over anyone might perhaps be my bilingualism (not as much bi as semi quad at this point though muahahaha) Worried I might be losing my mind/intelligence at the moment. But well might be time for me to pull up my sleeves and screw everyone over. After all even I am dumb, I can be a creative bastard and if I am dumb doesn't that mean my tricks would be harder to see through? Way to look at the bright side though.
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