What is the meaning of life?

There is so much problems behind finding meaning of life.
Particulary the dilemma of choice.
So many tout their existence as the template to what all others must follow.

One true meaning.

But there is such a divergence.

Some find that the path of life exists for pleasure.
That humans are just evolved animals.
That life should be pleasurable.
All else matters not.

Some claim that life is about glorifying God and expressing Him.
A vessel of a spirit to return to an untestable glory.
If god exists.

Others of a more scientific mind supposed that
humans are like any other animal, primarily
Reproduction and survival.

Among many others.

I have tried hedonism and a more spiritual path.
Yet I found that.
Both are somewhat stale.
Maybe my lack of devotion
does not permit satisfaction
off the tedium of life.
thus
hell
and unhappiness
awaits
forever.
maybe that is what God meant
a burning lake of stagnation
and tedium. After all
if hell consists only of
burning pain.
some might stand it.

The third path.
That of surviving my genes.
I care not for.
I am not prideful enough to suppose that my genes
are worth preserving
After all I have nothing worth bragging.
Just mediocricity.
In all aspects.
Neither social.
nor intelligent.
nor athletic.
just colourless.
a white paper.
without writing.
inherently quite meaningless.
just
there
.
.
.
Other than these three paths. I am still looking.
BUT I probably won't find anything.
Such is life.
you look
and even when I die.
I might not even find it.
Or at that moment
would it be too late.

Even so...I wonder
Is love a path worth considering?
I still do not understand myself what love is.
After all I have been obssesed with certain people.
I very much doubt that to be love.
After all
I know not of their flaws.
So I can't say I love yet.

I will investigate further.
Until then
I'll try to move forward.
Despite trenches of meaningless actions.
Maybe
by accident.
I will find
something
worth
doing
or
my actions
would choose a path for me
by accident

Perhaps
I hope too much off life.

ANNOUNCING MY PROBLEMS TO THE WORLD TAKE THAT CHINESE "FACE"

An amusing post to cheer myself up....
THINK BRAIN!!! GRAAAA
Depressing...I can't think of anything funny or amusing.
Everything just seems done, cliched.
I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME IDEAS.
man...it is during these lonely nights I wish I have a girlfriend.
Someone to share everything with, my world and my disgusting flaws.
Someone that could give me a glimpse of another world. Beyond mine.
THEN again having living with my sisters seriously damaged me.

I DON'T LIKE WOMEN...
I don't mean that I am gay now or anything.
I am definitely attracted to women physically...in fact I wish I was
less attracted to
girls...I wonder whether other guys have the same problem keeping their lust
in check? And keeping tabs on emotions so platonic relations do not succumb to
lust? Damn... Hormones...why are you acting up now??? I digress...

WHAT I don't like about sisters.
-nagging...GOD I HATE NAGGING and THOSE MANIPULATIONS OF GUILT.
I seriously wish I went to Melbourne instead of Sydney.
LIKE SERIOUSLY. Sometimes I feel like (and occasionaly do) smashing my head
against the wall. I JUST FEEL SO ANGRY. Furious. I really want to
hit her at these times. But I use all my willpower...and hurt myself. The pain numbs
the anger...
hmmmm... it seems like contrary to my interest in sadistic horror stories,
I have a really masochistic side( might be why I love chilli and fighting).
I might try to analyze all this but in personal life I am too lazy to attempt
such a thing.

I've never felt such burning hatred for something.
Ironically, it was for something supposedly trustworthy..."FAMILY"
What a joke life has played. That I have nothing and no one to trust.
I can only hope that as life goes on I'll be numb.
If only family disfunction was as funny as sitcoms.
Instead of constant manipulations from parents and siblings.
Of course the family member to trust most is my parents.
But there is no way I can make them choose, can I?
Besides my parents favor everybody else but me.
The irony.
The long awaited son.
Is the least likable.

I don't wish to be unfillial.
But I can't stand anymore than this.
I prefer living alone to this.
In fact I look forward to living alone.
Maybe I will grow out of it? Maybe immaturity is getting the best out of
me? Maybe when I grow older, wiser....? But even now, with all my imagination,
I can't think of happiness living here. With such a presence.
I need a way out...
I wish Dad understood.
I don't want to be here.
I want to live alone.
I NEED TO bE ALONE.

"Why did you give me hope?
That the world is there? That I can go anywhere?
If you are just going to force me here?"
Heck the cost of living would be about the same.
BUT no.
At least I made friends...
BUT...
oh well

I am afraid. That all the rest of the word is like this. I wish...
there is another person like me...
who doesn't care about the politics of anything at all.
who understands being the outsider.
who treats everyone the same.
in moderation of course.
I don't believe in love at first sight.
But I would fall for such a person so easily...
Second sight? maybe?
hmmm...maybe I really should become a monk instead?
I don't particulary believe in Buddhism though -_-
God is God.

Yet again...I digress

-Also what I don't like is when I am ignored.
Like I am air.
I realize I am not Brad Pitt or anything.
But how hard is it to offer a few words?
A smile?
A glance?
I don't mean to sound like a creep(I probably am though)
BUT Just some form of acknowledgement warms.
I realize that I am lacking in this sometimes...
that I should not expect from others what I don't offer too much myself...
But I expected the rest of the world to be better than me...
What with my social retardedness.
Obviously not.
How naive I am.

Boy do I feel emotional now.
Must be the lack of sleep.
Right now I am trying to distract myself.
With little games.
With litte shows.
And the next day I might already forget.
But most probably not.
I am not so lucky.

But though it is not amusing now...
Maybe?
Just maybe this post will have me laughing.
In the future.
At this naive young man.
With his hate.
And a hope for change.

HAHAHA

Pray. Though love is a choice, it certainly isn't easy loving someone so easy to hate.

HAHAHA

Man I seriously wish I was bisexual or gay right about now.
I did not even scratch the surface with my issues with women above.
It turned into more like complaints of what happened today.
So don't think I am shallow in my dislike for women.
I guess I gotta sort out this issues if I want to have a family. A wife and children. The chinese dream. A constant cycle of misery and hopes reimbursed with misery.

What a joke.

I wish the best for my mom and dad though. I want happiness for them.
They are the best, really. They might try and reject reality from my world from time to time...but...I don't dislike them for it. Reality is a bitch. Its not right
of them to reject that from life though. If they want to make my life easier
just give me a place to live alone and some money.
The rest I'll always manage somehow...
And I'll be content.
Even a life without meaning.
A life lived for the self.
I'll manage
wallow in contentment
like a pig
enviable pig
oink oink


HMmmmm
I better study now.
Procrastinating...
hahaha
my life is so pointless
sometimes I wonder if it is worth living

Not having friends
Not having anyone I trust
Not having a girlfriend
Not gifted in sports and physique
Not gifted in academia
Not gifted creatively
Just nothing.
As I type this I am trying to rationalize that my life is worth living.
hahaha
good thing I am a virgo
with my ego
I can even embellish nothingness
into something worth living for.

Studying useless things. haha
It's hard to believe in God.
I know God exists.
But other than that, I am unsure.
I don't want my whole life, my truth
to be dictated by what others pushed onto me.
Though I guess it's kinda happening now.
I wanna minimize that for my core self.

BAM. One day though.
I'll go insane like the others.
Without a heart.
At that point,
I'll
.
.
.
Good night.
I am tired
I need to study hard
I need to rest hard.
Good bye.

Forgotten

They say that people never really die as long as they are not forgotten.
But...
Eventually they will be...forgotten
For me, I suppose that I was forgotten earlier than most.
...Before my death.
But I preferred this.
Being forgotten while I was alive.
Despite the pain. The sorrow. The desire of change. Yet the hopelessness of it.
I know that I will not die twice.
I will only have one death.
After which peace ensues.
A life never lived.
Appropriately ended by a death unlike those of others.
Unlike the living.
I will die once.
Already forgotten.