Breaking Things

I think I can understand the appeal of destruction. To destroy something is to tie yourself to its existence; in a manner to have owned it even for an instant. I am now presented with an opportunity to destroy something, I look forward to it.

Contemplations

An interesting point that I have taken notice of is the Chinese character for love. The traditional way of writing contains the character for "heart" above the character for "friends". Fast forward a thousand years to the present day and the simplified version has done away with the character for heart leaving only the character for "friends". It brings an interesting point of whether or not love in its passionate, tragic form still existed in this modern era. The kind of love that inspires legends and plays and proses. Something perfect. Instead of the platonic, "there's no one else so why not" I still have no idea what love is supposed to be. Is it that I am blind to it? Or does it exist no more? As a part of this modern generation, I find myself asking whether I feel less than the previous generations. That after vicariously experiencing countless emotions that I can feel no more of my own feelings. I am blessed in this respect that I have found another who I think can relate. I think my days of complaining about failing at attempts of a romantic relationship is over. I do not think I want a romantic relationship any more. Of course at times I still entertain flights of fancy regarding pursuing a relationship with so and so girl. But I suspect that most of these desires probably stems from a loneliness that will never leave. Even so I realize that one day I might have to at least attempt something in this area to appease my parents. If there's one thing I am good at, it's being objective. I know I am a nice guy or at least I have the appearance of so. But at the same time I know this does not entitle me to a romantic relationship because I know I am not very interesting. I am not used to social interaction and making people laugh/be happy. When I was in high school, I had girls to like and I would entertain notions of swooping them off their feet. Well now that I am older, I realize that I am not of such sort. I am not someone who can sustain a long term relationship. Heck, I've even failed at platonic friendships much less romantic ones. Not only that, it's hard for me to get close to people much less give my all to a person. But even so, I find that there's nothing wrong with being alone. I can be true to myself, untouched and unchanged. Of course, there's always that doubt that not being loved I have failed in life or in some respect. But now, I realize that I am good at certain things like computers while being horrible with people and love. These days, I have been reading up on mythologies and the like. I think the only connections to people that I will never tire of seems to be books and the stories they tell. Maybe because I like something "deep" and confessional. It is as if I partook in a secret with the author and that we were friends and then I didn't feel so lonely any more and thoughts of the people I have loved and lost didn't bother me any more.