I have told this story to a couple of people already but yet I still feel quite unsatisfied until I put down the entirety of this story as what I have given to people is not the complete story since I wasn't in the best state of mind to convey it.
People I have told include my friends AA, BRA, JLI and a new friend, DEV. I could write it somewhere but I would probably lose it and this is something I wish not to forget.
It all started approximately 4 months ago from the onset of the third week of MMAN1130 where we needed to go to TAFE. When I heard L's name I thought it was funny as I thought it was improbable that LMY had a Caucasian friend and when I asked her about L's name she had said that L was local. To tell the truth I was quickly attracted to L.
I had always been attracted to a certain type of people...I think I am attracted to people who are similar to me; independent loners...for whatever reason. I suppose it is because I think they would understand me. I grew more and more infatuated with her though I did do a good job of hiding it. I directed my social interaction to a guy DCH though because I didn't know how I was supposed to act around her with my growing infatuation and all. But I get the feeling DCH was growing feelings for LL though. I probably should not have joked about that but as you would later see, I wasn't very good with controlling my emotions and jokes are my outlet of emotions. You could probably tell my state of mind from the kind of jokes I spout at the moment. I soon learned she studies a lot in the library and everyday I would scour the library looking for her. Yep, I was smitten all right. Then I did something I wasn't proud of...that day I found out that DCH got Skype and managed to add me. When I asked him about it I found out that he had been in contact with LL. I couldn't describe how I felt then. My blood was literally running cold. I was scared and paranoid. terrified I was going to lose her.
Then TAFE was over, nothing further happened between us though because of my paranoia I began to text her a bit more. Wishing her good studying for exam, asking her about the progress of the fine we got and telling her about the song "tell Laura I love her". But when I got back to Indonesia for my holiday, I tried not to think of her which was to some degree half successful. When I got back to Oz though I had it set in my mind that I will give up on her if she did not contact me throughout the holiday. Though surprisingly she did contact me which I thought was very out of character of her though she did contact everybody in our TAFE group. And again I thought that was because she was more keen to be with DCH than me as they both had an Australian background and speaks English. When it came to that day, I tried my best to show disinterest and leave her to be with DCH. She didn't show any signs at all though and I knew that I had fallen for a troublesome girl because she was probably going to be cool in her affections. She does talk more with females and she does laugh with guys but that made me feel much more insecure because she doesn't really laugh when she was with me. Then again, I don't really make jokes and I don't really laugh that much when I am with her as well. So...
Anyways school starts and I find myself doing 3 subjects with her. With 1 being a mechatronics subject. I introduced her to my friends and during the first few weeks of uni I pretty much hung around her. Ah almost forgot, during O week she did invite me to join robogals which I did. Then she asked me to go to an acoustic night. Which we did go though I didn't have my hopes up and expected her to invite other people as well. But she didn't! We had fun (I hope...she being so nice, its hard to tell if she is really having fun or being courteous) Soon I found myself hanging around her all the time. And I thought that things were going well but soon I found that my feelings for her are going out of control. I tried to tag along with her almost everywhere and I think she began to get annoyed. Which I kinda understand as she probably needs space. She then said something like "I think you know too much about me...its kinda scary" to which I replied stupidly "really? I think its normal" then I foolish brought up my knowledge about her club activities which not many people knew about. I then assured her that I would do my best to forget. It soon reached a point though when we were hanging out, she got really annoyed when I tried to insist to accompany her to the bus stop. To which she said "please don't" at which I knew I was being too overbearing.
I soon knew that I should tell her how I feel or we would stop being friends. Even if we stop being friends, at least I can move on, right? Thinking about her so obsessively, so jealously, I found so hard to bear. I really wished I was dead. So I wrote a letter along the lines of "I am sorry for sticking so close to you but it was because I like you and if you can't forgive me I understand if you want to stop being friends" and passed it to her right after a lecture and promptly ran off after she accepted reluctantly. Date when this happened 17 March 2011...She replied with a text 7 minutes later saying; "hey, you don't have to apologize. Thanks for telling me what you think. I think we should stay friends. no hard feelings yea?" I was relieved to be honest. I didn't know why. I was rejected after all but...I felt glad that I did it. I faced my fears and finally told a girl how I felt about her. That night, I met her in the lab and it was kinda awkward. I was filling up water and when she got into the lift she waited for me to which I told her to go ahead. To which she said "don't be like that" I could tell she was trying to be nice to me, which I didn't like for some reason. When I lent her my laptop to do her adaptive tutorial, she patted my back and said "thanks for lending me your laptop yea?" I tried my best to be distant though. I handled it well but its not like I was completely fine.
I could go on and on but fast forward to today we are closer to each other than we are to any of our other friends though we are still kinda cool around each other. We went to an engineering talk yesterday. She seemed tired though and I am feeling insecure. Am I boring her? Have we lost things to talk about? I think I might actually really know too much about her that I don't know sometimes what to talk about and I feel like I am repeating myself sometimes which I don't like doing. It doesn't help that she laughs easily at things other guys say...kinda? I dunno, its making me feel so insecure. Being so paranoid doesn't do too good to your judgement. But then again...I feel weary too. I feel like I have lost the high of the infatuation...I know I love her. Or at least I think I know I love her. But do I? Is she just a transient part of life? I mean when I am with her I know I am content and the closest to an emotion than these recent apathy. But she doesn't seem too interested in me or does she? Is it meant to be or just in my head? I don't know how to interpret her actions sometimes. I know she knows I like her. Why does she invite me to these engineering talks and working on an assignment on Tuesday? Like without anybody else? Then again she might not have anyone else to go with...then again when I try to leave her alone she expects me to go with her like a few days ago when she is going to the lab to meet someone but she asks me whether I am coming with her. But that might be because she wants a friend...
For now I will be her friend despite my feelings of anhedonia. I feel so joyless nowadays but I hope, I hope I can make her happy still. I will do my best to make myself happy so I can do a better job of making her happy. I don't know what the future holds. We might end up together. Or she might go on her exchange and we'll be strangers. After all we are not doing the same courses all the time, given that she is doing a double degree and I am doing half of her degree. I am horrible...I want to go to an exchange to be kinda closer with her so that I could help her if she gets in trouble. I want to do a master of biomedical engineering not only because I love biology but because I want to finish my degree on the same year..and take the same subjects. All in all, because of her I have been a better person. I have been sleeping early and waking up earlier. I have been trying to study more so I can teach her and compete with her though she is still winning even though personally I think I am somewhat smarter but she is more careful and detailed I suppose. I do get jealous when guys approach her...so I have been hitting walls which I think might help me get into martial arts easier haha. I wish I have the same positive effect on her. But I got her into Facebook instead ==
Anyways this is probably the first time that I have this kind of relationship where I have clearly stated my intentions to the girl and she still hangs around so I don't know whether this is going to be my first serious relationship or another heartbreak like with RAH. I am feeling quite apathetic now to everything for some reason. I guess my brain chemistry's still messed up so I will wait until I am right again before I make up my mind on whether to stop going deeper or just going with the flow.
*Note: my mum thinks she is not good looking at all and so does my friends but I dunno why I love looking at her while the girls my sister thinks is pretty I could not care less about. If I care about looks I would buy porn...or go for prostitutes. She just have the looks I am personally attracted to I guess though I know that she is probably objectively not super beautiful or pretty...she has a turnoff that I don't mind on her. Also just how she smells turns me on...makes it really hard to stay in control when I am around her sometimes.
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