LL - In the process of doing something

I have told this story to a couple of people already but yet I still feel quite unsatisfied until I put down the entirety of this story as what I have given to people is not the complete story since I wasn't in the best state of mind to convey it.
People I have told include my friends AA, BRA, JLI and a new friend, DEV. I could write it somewhere but I would probably lose it and this is something I wish not to forget.

It all started approximately 4 months ago from the onset of the third week of MMAN1130 where we needed to go to TAFE. When I heard L's name I thought it was funny as I thought it was improbable that LMY had a Caucasian friend and when I asked her about L's name she had said that L was local. To tell the truth I was quickly attracted to L.
I had always been attracted to a certain type of people...I think I am attracted to people who are similar to me; independent loners...for whatever reason. I suppose it is because I think they would understand me. I grew more and more infatuated with her though I did do a good job of hiding it. I directed my social interaction to a guy DCH though because I didn't know how I was supposed to act around her with my growing infatuation and all. But I get the feeling DCH was growing feelings for LL though. I probably should not have joked about that but as you would later see, I wasn't very good with controlling my emotions and jokes are my outlet of emotions. You could probably tell my state of mind from the kind of jokes I spout at the moment. I soon learned she studies a lot in the library and everyday I would scour the library looking for her. Yep, I was smitten all right. Then I did something I wasn't proud of...that day I found out that DCH got Skype and managed to add me. When I asked him about it I found out that he had been in contact with LL. I couldn't describe how I felt then. My blood was literally running cold. I was scared and paranoid. terrified I was going to lose her.

Then TAFE was over, nothing further happened between us though because of my paranoia I began to text her a bit more. Wishing her good studying for exam, asking her about the progress of the fine we got and telling her about the song "tell Laura I love her". But when I got back to Indonesia for my holiday, I tried not to think of her which was to some degree half successful. When I got back to Oz though I had it set in my mind that I will give up on her if she did not contact me throughout the holiday. Though surprisingly she did contact me which I thought was very out of character of her though she did contact everybody in our TAFE group. And again I thought that was because she was more keen to be with DCH than me as they both had an Australian background and speaks English. When it came to that day, I tried my best to show disinterest and leave her to be with DCH. She didn't show any signs at all though and I knew that I had fallen for a troublesome girl because she was probably going to be cool in her affections. She does talk more with females and she does laugh with guys but that made me feel much more insecure because she doesn't really laugh when she was with me. Then again, I don't really make jokes and I don't really laugh that much when I am with her as well. So...

Anyways school starts and I find myself doing 3 subjects with her. With 1 being a mechatronics subject. I introduced her to my friends and during the first few weeks of uni I pretty much hung around her. Ah almost forgot, during O week she did invite me to join robogals which I did. Then she asked me to go to an acoustic night. Which we did go though I didn't have my hopes up and expected her to invite other people as well. But she didn't! We had fun (I hope...she being so nice, its hard to tell if she is really having fun or being courteous) Soon I found myself hanging around her all the time. And I thought that things were going well but soon I found that my feelings for her are going out of control. I tried to tag along with her almost everywhere and I think she began to get annoyed. Which I kinda understand as she probably needs space. She then said something like "I think you know too much about me...its kinda scary" to which I replied stupidly "really? I think its normal" then I foolish brought up my knowledge about her club activities which not many people knew about. I then assured her that I would do my best to forget. It soon reached a point though when we were hanging out, she got really annoyed when I tried to insist to accompany her to the bus stop. To which she said "please don't" at which I knew I was being too overbearing.

I soon knew that I should tell her how I feel or we would stop being friends. Even if we stop being friends, at least I can move on, right? Thinking about her so obsessively, so jealously, I found so hard to bear. I really wished I was dead. So I wrote a letter along the lines of "I am sorry for sticking so close to you but it was because I like you and if you can't forgive me I understand if you want to stop being friends" and passed it to her right after a lecture and promptly ran off after she accepted reluctantly. Date when this happened 17 March 2011...She replied with a text 7 minutes later saying; "hey, you don't have to apologize. Thanks for telling me what you think. I think we should stay friends. no hard feelings yea?" I was relieved to be honest. I didn't know why. I was rejected after all but...I felt glad that I did it. I faced my fears and finally told a girl how I felt about her. That night, I met her in the lab and it was kinda awkward. I was filling up water and when she got into the lift she waited for me to which I told her to go ahead. To which she said "don't be like that" I could tell she was trying to be nice to me, which I didn't like for some reason. When I lent her my laptop to do her adaptive tutorial, she patted my back and said "thanks for lending me your laptop yea?" I tried my best to be distant though. I handled it well but its not like I was completely fine.

I could go on and on but fast forward to today we are closer to each other than we are to any of our other friends though we are still kinda cool around each other. We went to an engineering talk yesterday. She seemed tired though and I am feeling insecure. Am I boring her? Have we lost things to talk about? I think I might actually really know too much about her that I don't know sometimes what to talk about and I feel like I am repeating myself sometimes which I don't like doing. It doesn't help that she laughs easily at things other guys say...kinda? I dunno, its making me feel so insecure. Being so paranoid doesn't do too good to your judgement. But then again...I feel weary too. I feel like I have lost the high of the infatuation...I know I love her. Or at least I think I know I love her. But do I? Is she just a transient part of life? I mean when I am with her I know I am content and the closest to an emotion than these recent apathy. But she doesn't seem too interested in me or does she? Is it meant to be or just in my head? I don't know how to interpret her actions sometimes. I know she knows I like her. Why does she invite me to these engineering talks and working on an assignment on Tuesday? Like without anybody else? Then again she might not have anyone else to go with...then again when I try to leave her alone she expects me to go with her like a few days ago when she is going to the lab to meet someone but she asks me whether I am coming with her. But that might be because she wants a friend...
For now I will be her friend despite my feelings of anhedonia. I feel so joyless nowadays but I hope, I hope I can make her happy still. I will do my best to make myself happy so I can do a better job of making her happy. I don't know what the future holds. We might end up together. Or she might go on her exchange and we'll be strangers. After all we are not doing the same courses all the time, given that she is doing a double degree and I am doing half of her degree. I am horrible...I want to go to an exchange to be kinda closer with her so that I could help her if she gets in trouble. I want to do a master of biomedical engineering not only because I love biology but because I want to finish my degree on the same year..and take the same subjects. All in all, because of her I have been a better person. I have been sleeping early and waking up earlier. I have been trying to study more so I can teach her and compete with her though she is still winning even though personally I think I am somewhat smarter but she is more careful and detailed I suppose. I do get jealous when guys approach her...so I have been hitting walls which I think might help me get into martial arts easier haha. I wish I have the same positive effect on her. But I got her into Facebook instead ==
Anyways this is probably the first time that I have this kind of relationship where I have clearly stated my intentions to the girl and she still hangs around so I don't know whether this is going to be my first serious relationship or another heartbreak like with RAH. I am feeling quite apathetic now to everything for some reason. I guess my brain chemistry's still messed up so I will wait until I am right again before I make up my mind on whether to stop going deeper or just going with the flow.

*Note: my mum thinks she is not good looking at all and so does my friends but I dunno why I love looking at her while the girls my sister thinks is pretty I could not care less about. If I care about looks I would buy porn...or go for prostitutes. She just have the looks I am personally attracted to I guess though I know that she is probably objectively not super beautiful or pretty...she has a turnoff that I don't mind on her. Also just how she smells turns me on...makes it really hard to stay in control when I am around her sometimes.

Pride, likes and starcraft II : )

I have been playing Starcraft II....a lot. Reading stratergies and the like.
At first, I lost 9 games in a row. But then WINNING. WINning gives such an electrifying sensation. So pleasant and warmth. Though it almost didn't mean anything.
IT still felt as if I accomplished something...beating others at their own game (all my wins were Terran :) with a protoss at a side...)Though I have only won 3 games though as of late and will probably get beaten down soon enough...but it felt good just the same. Not being the worst at it. Anyways I will try to study up a bit later on to make up for it cuz I feel old of a sudden what with everybody doing all these great works. But I guess no matter how I great I get I still won't get her attention huh? haha would it be wishful thinking? To hope she likes me? just a bit maybe?
Or is my indifferent act too perfect? I really should get rid of this impersonal ego X_X after all old friends are old friends and new friends are different. I should try different stratergies. After all like in Starcraft II, you have to change your stratergies depending on who you face. HMMMmmmm I kinda wish I brushed up more on being warm and affectionate. Its not too easy as of lately being that manner.
I should try. But with a girl...being at her mercy...is not too pleasant.
Pride. You would think not being good at anything would stave that of....

Anyways thinking of writing a series of short collections to vent off to so might be blogging a bit less (once every ten years? MWAHAHAHA) heck, not even sure why I am mentioning it. I guess I thought if I blog about it I will follow through. In my stories, I'll probably write about her tho...I CAN'T help thinking about her.
Am I that shallow? Seriously.....I don't even know her -____-
And she doesn't like me at all (maybe...? I DON'T KNOW)
Maybe it's because I am studying engineering that I get attracted to girls so quickly? I mean girls in engineering ...Heck it took barely 6 weeks for me to like a girl now? haha its odd
ARGGH. It's probably a combination of insecurity and pride that I am keeping the status quo up. FOR now I'll just distract myself with other stuff. After all if love's real, it would find a way right?...DAMN it really is better to be loved than to love ain't it? I really hope HE doesn't like her and get to her. I like him alright but....it would crush me X__X

It has happened so often that...Maaan. I'll rather become gay if this fails again and I have to go through something like this repeatedly. IT doesn't help being an insecure bastard. I DREAD. He's a good person though. Remarkably good. But someone's gotta hurt in this. Both of them don't know it yet. Heck it's probably going to be me and they won't even know it. I really DREAD that. Being unhappy all by yourself. You would think I would get used to that haha. I really do need a companion before I lose everything. ANY TAKERS? Nobody? I'll be good to you...

What is the meaning of life?

There is so much problems behind finding meaning of life.
Particulary the dilemma of choice.
So many tout their existence as the template to what all others must follow.

One true meaning.

But there is such a divergence.

Some find that the path of life exists for pleasure.
That humans are just evolved animals.
That life should be pleasurable.
All else matters not.

Some claim that life is about glorifying God and expressing Him.
A vessel of a spirit to return to an untestable glory.
If god exists.

Others of a more scientific mind supposed that
humans are like any other animal, primarily
Reproduction and survival.

Among many others.

I have tried hedonism and a more spiritual path.
Yet I found that.
Both are somewhat stale.
Maybe my lack of devotion
does not permit satisfaction
off the tedium of life.
thus
hell
and unhappiness
awaits
forever.
maybe that is what God meant
a burning lake of stagnation
and tedium. After all
if hell consists only of
burning pain.
some might stand it.

The third path.
That of surviving my genes.
I care not for.
I am not prideful enough to suppose that my genes
are worth preserving
After all I have nothing worth bragging.
Just mediocricity.
In all aspects.
Neither social.
nor intelligent.
nor athletic.
just colourless.
a white paper.
without writing.
inherently quite meaningless.
just
there
.
.
.
Other than these three paths. I am still looking.
BUT I probably won't find anything.
Such is life.
you look
and even when I die.
I might not even find it.
Or at that moment
would it be too late.

Even so...I wonder
Is love a path worth considering?
I still do not understand myself what love is.
After all I have been obssesed with certain people.
I very much doubt that to be love.
After all
I know not of their flaws.
So I can't say I love yet.

I will investigate further.
Until then
I'll try to move forward.
Despite trenches of meaningless actions.
Maybe
by accident.
I will find
something
worth
doing
or
my actions
would choose a path for me
by accident

Perhaps
I hope too much off life.

ANNOUNCING MY PROBLEMS TO THE WORLD TAKE THAT CHINESE "FACE"

An amusing post to cheer myself up....
THINK BRAIN!!! GRAAAA
Depressing...I can't think of anything funny or amusing.
Everything just seems done, cliched.
I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME IDEAS.
man...it is during these lonely nights I wish I have a girlfriend.
Someone to share everything with, my world and my disgusting flaws.
Someone that could give me a glimpse of another world. Beyond mine.
THEN again having living with my sisters seriously damaged me.

I DON'T LIKE WOMEN...
I don't mean that I am gay now or anything.
I am definitely attracted to women physically...in fact I wish I was
less attracted to
girls...I wonder whether other guys have the same problem keeping their lust
in check? And keeping tabs on emotions so platonic relations do not succumb to
lust? Damn... Hormones...why are you acting up now??? I digress...

WHAT I don't like about sisters.
-nagging...GOD I HATE NAGGING and THOSE MANIPULATIONS OF GUILT.
I seriously wish I went to Melbourne instead of Sydney.
LIKE SERIOUSLY. Sometimes I feel like (and occasionaly do) smashing my head
against the wall. I JUST FEEL SO ANGRY. Furious. I really want to
hit her at these times. But I use all my willpower...and hurt myself. The pain numbs
the anger...
hmmmm... it seems like contrary to my interest in sadistic horror stories,
I have a really masochistic side( might be why I love chilli and fighting).
I might try to analyze all this but in personal life I am too lazy to attempt
such a thing.

I've never felt such burning hatred for something.
Ironically, it was for something supposedly trustworthy..."FAMILY"
What a joke life has played. That I have nothing and no one to trust.
I can only hope that as life goes on I'll be numb.
If only family disfunction was as funny as sitcoms.
Instead of constant manipulations from parents and siblings.
Of course the family member to trust most is my parents.
But there is no way I can make them choose, can I?
Besides my parents favor everybody else but me.
The irony.
The long awaited son.
Is the least likable.

I don't wish to be unfillial.
But I can't stand anymore than this.
I prefer living alone to this.
In fact I look forward to living alone.
Maybe I will grow out of it? Maybe immaturity is getting the best out of
me? Maybe when I grow older, wiser....? But even now, with all my imagination,
I can't think of happiness living here. With such a presence.
I need a way out...
I wish Dad understood.
I don't want to be here.
I want to live alone.
I NEED TO bE ALONE.

"Why did you give me hope?
That the world is there? That I can go anywhere?
If you are just going to force me here?"
Heck the cost of living would be about the same.
BUT no.
At least I made friends...
BUT...
oh well

I am afraid. That all the rest of the word is like this. I wish...
there is another person like me...
who doesn't care about the politics of anything at all.
who understands being the outsider.
who treats everyone the same.
in moderation of course.
I don't believe in love at first sight.
But I would fall for such a person so easily...
Second sight? maybe?
hmmm...maybe I really should become a monk instead?
I don't particulary believe in Buddhism though -_-
God is God.

Yet again...I digress

-Also what I don't like is when I am ignored.
Like I am air.
I realize I am not Brad Pitt or anything.
But how hard is it to offer a few words?
A smile?
A glance?
I don't mean to sound like a creep(I probably am though)
BUT Just some form of acknowledgement warms.
I realize that I am lacking in this sometimes...
that I should not expect from others what I don't offer too much myself...
But I expected the rest of the world to be better than me...
What with my social retardedness.
Obviously not.
How naive I am.

Boy do I feel emotional now.
Must be the lack of sleep.
Right now I am trying to distract myself.
With little games.
With litte shows.
And the next day I might already forget.
But most probably not.
I am not so lucky.

But though it is not amusing now...
Maybe?
Just maybe this post will have me laughing.
In the future.
At this naive young man.
With his hate.
And a hope for change.

HAHAHA

Pray. Though love is a choice, it certainly isn't easy loving someone so easy to hate.

HAHAHA

Man I seriously wish I was bisexual or gay right about now.
I did not even scratch the surface with my issues with women above.
It turned into more like complaints of what happened today.
So don't think I am shallow in my dislike for women.
I guess I gotta sort out this issues if I want to have a family. A wife and children. The chinese dream. A constant cycle of misery and hopes reimbursed with misery.

What a joke.

I wish the best for my mom and dad though. I want happiness for them.
They are the best, really. They might try and reject reality from my world from time to time...but...I don't dislike them for it. Reality is a bitch. Its not right
of them to reject that from life though. If they want to make my life easier
just give me a place to live alone and some money.
The rest I'll always manage somehow...
And I'll be content.
Even a life without meaning.
A life lived for the self.
I'll manage
wallow in contentment
like a pig
enviable pig
oink oink


HMmmmm
I better study now.
Procrastinating...
hahaha
my life is so pointless
sometimes I wonder if it is worth living

Not having friends
Not having anyone I trust
Not having a girlfriend
Not gifted in sports and physique
Not gifted in academia
Not gifted creatively
Just nothing.
As I type this I am trying to rationalize that my life is worth living.
hahaha
good thing I am a virgo
with my ego
I can even embellish nothingness
into something worth living for.

Studying useless things. haha
It's hard to believe in God.
I know God exists.
But other than that, I am unsure.
I don't want my whole life, my truth
to be dictated by what others pushed onto me.
Though I guess it's kinda happening now.
I wanna minimize that for my core self.

BAM. One day though.
I'll go insane like the others.
Without a heart.
At that point,
I'll
.
.
.
Good night.
I am tired
I need to study hard
I need to rest hard.
Good bye.

Forgotten

They say that people never really die as long as they are not forgotten.
But...
Eventually they will be...forgotten
For me, I suppose that I was forgotten earlier than most.
...Before my death.
But I preferred this.
Being forgotten while I was alive.
Despite the pain. The sorrow. The desire of change. Yet the hopelessness of it.
I know that I will not die twice.
I will only have one death.
After which peace ensues.
A life never lived.
Appropriately ended by a death unlike those of others.
Unlike the living.
I will die once.
Already forgotten.

Complaints of FB, Christianity and being ignored :(

Disclaimer: If you are the type to call a person a sissy or fag just because they SHARE turn away. I am serious. I am being a total whiny bitch in this post...AND PLEASE DON'T FLAME

NOW that I added my Christian buddies on Facebook, I have lost my outlet for narcissitic and attention seeking tendencies. Its unlikely they would understand all my nihilistic crap, and if they did they would probably take two courses of action (both of which I absolutely detest):
a) Lecture me about the joys of Christianhood and how I should attend more meetings to be spiritually alive as opposed to being "angry" or "cynical" Orrrrrrr
b) Something else equally annoying (can't think of anything at my sleep deprived state)

So I am going to post all of that here!

Vincent is....

When I was younger, I would watch awkward nerds who get ignored by girls in the movies and think "That's so bloody unrealistic -_-... like hell there is people like that"
NOW that I am older... let's just say irony's a bitch ain't it?

yep this is not really a good substitute for my attention seeking narcissim but at least I can look back at this and have a laugh at what I was announcing to a world that doesn't give a shit.
.
.
.
Elaborating more on the matter of my Christian buddies...
Its odd really, though they persistently seek my presence for their meetings...
I don't feel as if they give a damn. It felt cheap, like a quota they had to
fill for God. And shit, it really doesn't help that they keep on pressuring
me to "save my parents" while I am still having doubts about the nature of God.
The more they pushed me the more repulsion I felt...with their manner of
guilting people to fulfill their shitty spiritual quota. It seems that
they guilt people into everything really: "Love for money is the root of
all evil...donate as God will give it back", "If you miss your meetings,
you will be spiritually dead!!"
I FREAKING KNOW ALL THIS SHIT ALREADY YOU BASTARDS.
The more they pressured me the more doubts I feel, really.
The more people try to get me to do something the more I will
resist really. Reverse psychology might work on me if I weren't
so unmotivated. Sides all the talk of conversion and
all my mental defenses were alerted so I block everything out.
Though think as I might I can't really think about anything wrong with
Christianity actually...

Everything's foolproof, solid...

"you don't like your Christian community? its your fault you bastard!"
"why doesn't the word of God inspire and change your life? YOU HAVEN'T
RECEIVE THE GRACE OF GOD!!"
"why haven't you receive the word of God? DON'T QUESTION GOD'S WILL!!!
"its all about belief man. if you work in God's plan everything would be
easier if not you are going to hell"


There really is no end to it, for everything you can throw at religion,
they would always have a comeback even against irrefutable evidence and
for that comeback, there is no possible way to proof in accord or discord.
But as it all holds to the teachings of the religion so of course
religions wins (people need to believe in something after all;
religion is as good as anything else, really) In fact religion is
one of the things that you should believe: it doesn't do too much harm
and it makes people happy enough...

I don't have any particular reason to disbelieve any religion.

At the same time...I do not feel compelled to believe it too.

I envy people really, for their capability of belief. I do want to
believe in a stream of religion, I do; be it Buddhism or Christianity....
but I just don't. I believe in the presence of God but I don't tie him to
any image; be it Jesus or Siddharta Gautama or "the cumultative force of life".
God just exist...He looks out for me and that is all I believe. Anything else is redundant in my eyes. This might be naive but that is just the way I feel.
Whatever else you force on me I will regurtitate back out. My spirit is the way it is just as I am. I could try and change but I know I won't in the long run.
After all no matter what you change about me, I will be me and something
always have to exist for that me to be me instead of something else.
For that I think that it is the state of my spirit and my belief.
It is probably the only thing immutable to me despite my adaptive capabilities.
You could tell me I am going to hell....I will believe you and
I will still believe in my own personal version of God.
Its just who I am....nothing could change this I believe. I
have tried and I don't believe that others could succeed in
something so personal to the self where even I have failed.

PLEASE for goodness sake don't pray for me to believe (if anyone ever reads this) and all that jazz.
If God wills for it, He will do it. Your prayer won't make an inch of
difference. Heck I doubt that if all the people in the world prayed for the same thing, it would happen. I am sparing you of the effort, really. Just pray for something that already happened, all else would matter not.
(intentional grammar change above,
experimenting with different writing styles)

A slight digression, I feel really bad about how far the quality
of my writing had fallen. I read my old blog posts out of nostalgia and
wow...I seem to suck more and more as I grow older....All the things
I looked forward to of the onset of maturity as a child (being able to
cook, drive a car, a job and having a cute girlfriend) has yet to happen.
To make matters worse, all my abilities had failed to keep up with my aging (physical suckiness, decrease in creative prowess (writing)... though
I did get a bit better technically at guitar and wit.
THESE ARE IN ADDITION to the fall in my mental prowess despite a
larger collection of knowledge.
(Need to get anime trivia out of my head really. NEED TO STUDY MORE....
DISCIPLINE YEAH! WORKING ON IT!). I used to be "intelligent" now I am just "smart" and even then ....not really all that. SHIT!!
I DON'T HAVE A SOCIAL IDENTITY. I am not a jock nor a nerd nor a casanova...I....am....nothing. But heck as long as I can write I will.
Heck I might even get published! Though I find it bloody unlikely.
Still with all the craptastic books around (twillight) the possibility exists!
On the other hand there are tonnes of better writers than me so if I did get published I would feel guilt...Not only that, if I ever get published, it would all be drowned in a sea of moronic fiction anyways.

:<>

New words of the day: persepolis, nascent, qua, regurtitate, portcullis, alcove, discent, excogitation, galena(mineral they used in Avatar movie), moribund (stagnant)

Choose to read... after which write.

I haven't written anything for a long time, really. After all, being an introvert, I am more predisposed towards voyeurism (reading and youtube...nothing perverted here...FINE I ADMIT IT I LIKE EROTICA...WOOT NO MORE CENSORSHIP BABY ). But at the same time I have an innate desire for creation and since I am nearly useless in almost all other walks of life, I have decided to write more. After all, writing is one of those things I used to be good at (Thanks for your encouragements teach, I'll always remember). Perhaps there is still chance to reclaim lost glory though I don't see any monetary benefits out of this. I realize no one is probably going to read this as well, so I am just going to do this as a way of procrastination to reach self satisfaction (my way of kicking hentai habits during periods of boredom). Of course sometimes I'll write something entertaining as well in my comedic stylings (always full of failure) which I'll probably recycle around social gatherings. Yep. Pretty sure no one is going to read this. UNLESS, I make it shallow. Damn sure wish I pretended to be a girl from the beginning. But if you are reading this you are in for a wild ride.....by you; I mean me of course and by wild ride I mean porn and dick jokes.
(I knew I should have jumped this bandwagon earlier....now in an attention deficit generation, all they'll watch is probably youtube) Oh well...