NOW that I added my Christian buddies on Facebook, I have lost my outlet for narcissitic and attention seeking tendencies. Its unlikely they would understand all my nihilistic crap, and if they did they would probably take two courses of action (both of which I absolutely detest):
a) Lecture me about the joys of Christianhood and how I should attend more meetings to be spiritually alive as opposed to being "angry" or "cynical" Orrrrrrr
b) Something else equally annoying (can't think of anything at my sleep deprived state)
So I am going to post all of that here!
Vincent is....
When I was younger, I would watch awkward nerds who get ignored by girls in the movies and think "That's so bloody unrealistic -_-... like hell there is people like that"
NOW that I am older... let's just say irony's a bitch ain't it?
yep this is not really a good substitute for my attention seeking narcissim but at least I can look back at this and have a laugh at what I was announcing to a world that doesn't give a shit.
.
.
.
Elaborating more on the matter of my Christian buddies...
Its odd really, though they persistently seek my presence for their meetings...
I don't feel as if they give a damn. It felt cheap, like a quota they had to
fill for God. And shit, it really doesn't help that they keep on pressuring
me to "save my parents" while I am still having doubts about the nature of God.
The more they pushed me the more repulsion I felt...with their manner of
guilting people to fulfill their shitty spiritual quota. It seems that
they guilt people into everything really: "Love for money is the root of
all evil...donate as God will give it back", "If you miss your meetings,
you will be spiritually dead!!"
I FREAKING KNOW ALL THIS SHIT ALREADY YOU BASTARDS.
The more they pressured me the more doubts I feel, really.
The more people try to get me to do something the more I will
resist really. Reverse psychology might work on me if I weren't
so unmotivated. Sides all the talk of conversion and
all my mental defenses were alerted so I block everything out.
Though think as I might I can't really think about anything wrong with
Christianity actually...
Everything's foolproof, solid...
"you don't like your Christian community? its your fault you bastard!"
"why doesn't the word of God inspire and change your life? YOU HAVEN'T
RECEIVE THE GRACE OF GOD!!"
"why haven't you receive the word of God? DON'T QUESTION GOD'S WILL!!!
"its all about belief man. if you work in God's plan everything would be
easier if not you are going to hell"
There really is no end to it, for everything you can throw at religion,
they would always have a comeback even against irrefutable evidence and
for that comeback, there is no possible way to proof in accord or discord.
But as it all holds to the teachings of the religion so of course
religions wins (people need to believe in something after all;
religion is as good as anything else, really) In fact religion is
one of the things that you should believe: it doesn't do too much harm
and it makes people happy enough...
I don't have any particular reason to disbelieve any religion.
At the same time...I do not feel compelled to believe it too.
I envy people really, for their capability of belief. I do want to
believe in a stream of religion, I do; be it Buddhism or Christianity....
but I just don't. I believe in the presence of God but I don't tie him to
any image; be it Jesus or Siddharta Gautama or "the cumultative force of life".
God just exist...He looks out for me and that is all I believe. Anything else is redundant in my eyes. This might be naive but that is just the way I feel.
Whatever else you force on me I will regurtitate back out. My spirit is the way it is just as I am. I could try and change but I know I won't in the long run.
After all no matter what you change about me, I will be me and something
always have to exist for that me to be me instead of something else.
For that I think that it is the state of my spirit and my belief.
It is probably the only thing immutable to me despite my adaptive capabilities.
You could tell me I am going to hell....I will believe you and
I will still believe in my own personal version of God.
Its just who I am....nothing could change this I believe. I
have tried and I don't believe that others could succeed in
something so personal to the self where even I have failed.
PLEASE for goodness sake don't pray for me to believe (if anyone ever reads this) and all that jazz.
If God wills for it, He will do it. Your prayer won't make an inch of
difference. Heck I doubt that if all the people in the world prayed for the same thing, it would happen. I am sparing you of the effort, really. Just pray for something that already happened, all else would matter not.
(intentional grammar change above,
experimenting with different writing styles)
A slight digression, I feel really bad about how far the quality
of my writing had fallen. I read my old blog posts out of nostalgia and
wow...I seem to suck more and more as I grow older....All the things
I looked forward to of the onset of maturity as a child (being able to
cook, drive a car, a job and having a cute girlfriend) has yet to happen.
To make matters worse, all my abilities had failed to keep up with my aging (physical suckiness, decrease in creative prowess (writing)... though
I did get a bit better technically at guitar and wit.
THESE ARE IN ADDITION to the fall in my mental prowess despite a
larger collection of knowledge.
(Need to get anime trivia out of my head really. NEED TO STUDY MORE....
DISCIPLINE YEAH! WORKING ON IT!). I used to be "intelligent" now I am just "smart" and even then ....not really all that. SHIT!!
I DON'T HAVE A SOCIAL IDENTITY. I am not a jock nor a nerd nor a casanova...I....am....nothing. But heck as long as I can write I will.
Heck I might even get published! Though I find it bloody unlikely.
Still with all the craptastic books around (twillight) the possibility exists!
On the other hand there are tonnes of better writers than me so if I did get published I would feel guilt...Not only that, if I ever get published, it would all be drowned in a sea of moronic fiction anyways.
:<>
NOW that I am older... let's just say irony's a bitch ain't it?
yep this is not really a good substitute for my attention seeking narcissim but at least I can look back at this and have a laugh at what I was announcing to a world that doesn't give a shit.
.
.
.
Elaborating more on the matter of my Christian buddies...
Its odd really, though they persistently seek my presence for their meetings...
I don't feel as if they give a damn. It felt cheap, like a quota they had to
fill for God. And shit, it really doesn't help that they keep on pressuring
me to "save my parents" while I am still having doubts about the nature of God.
The more they pushed me the more repulsion I felt...with their manner of
guilting people to fulfill their shitty spiritual quota. It seems that
they guilt people into everything really: "Love for money is the root of
all evil...donate as God will give it back", "If you miss your meetings,
you will be spiritually dead!!"
I FREAKING KNOW ALL THIS SHIT ALREADY YOU BASTARDS.
The more they pressured me the more doubts I feel, really.
The more people try to get me to do something the more I will
resist really. Reverse psychology might work on me if I weren't
so unmotivated. Sides all the talk of conversion and
all my mental defenses were alerted so I block everything out.
Though think as I might I can't really think about anything wrong with
Christianity actually...
Everything's foolproof, solid...
"you don't like your Christian community? its your fault you bastard!"
"why doesn't the word of God inspire and change your life? YOU HAVEN'T
RECEIVE THE GRACE OF GOD!!"
"why haven't you receive the word of God? DON'T QUESTION GOD'S WILL!!!
"its all about belief man. if you work in God's plan everything would be
easier if not you are going to hell"
There really is no end to it, for everything you can throw at religion,
they would always have a comeback even against irrefutable evidence and
for that comeback, there is no possible way to proof in accord or discord.
But as it all holds to the teachings of the religion so of course
religions wins (people need to believe in something after all;
religion is as good as anything else, really) In fact religion is
one of the things that you should believe: it doesn't do too much harm
and it makes people happy enough...
I don't have any particular reason to disbelieve any religion.
At the same time...I do not feel compelled to believe it too.
I envy people really, for their capability of belief. I do want to
believe in a stream of religion, I do; be it Buddhism or Christianity....
but I just don't. I believe in the presence of God but I don't tie him to
any image; be it Jesus or Siddharta Gautama or "the cumultative force of life".
God just exist...He looks out for me and that is all I believe. Anything else is redundant in my eyes. This might be naive but that is just the way I feel.
Whatever else you force on me I will regurtitate back out. My spirit is the way it is just as I am. I could try and change but I know I won't in the long run.
After all no matter what you change about me, I will be me and something
always have to exist for that me to be me instead of something else.
For that I think that it is the state of my spirit and my belief.
It is probably the only thing immutable to me despite my adaptive capabilities.
You could tell me I am going to hell....I will believe you and
I will still believe in my own personal version of God.
Its just who I am....nothing could change this I believe. I
have tried and I don't believe that others could succeed in
something so personal to the self where even I have failed.
PLEASE for goodness sake don't pray for me to believe (if anyone ever reads this) and all that jazz.
If God wills for it, He will do it. Your prayer won't make an inch of
difference. Heck I doubt that if all the people in the world prayed for the same thing, it would happen. I am sparing you of the effort, really. Just pray for something that already happened, all else would matter not.
(intentional grammar change above,
experimenting with different writing styles)
A slight digression, I feel really bad about how far the quality
of my writing had fallen. I read my old blog posts out of nostalgia and
wow...I seem to suck more and more as I grow older....All the things
I looked forward to of the onset of maturity as a child (being able to
cook, drive a car, a job and having a cute girlfriend) has yet to happen.
To make matters worse, all my abilities had failed to keep up with my aging (physical suckiness, decrease in creative prowess (writing)... though
I did get a bit better technically at guitar and wit.
THESE ARE IN ADDITION to the fall in my mental prowess despite a
larger collection of knowledge.
(Need to get anime trivia out of my head really. NEED TO STUDY MORE....
DISCIPLINE YEAH! WORKING ON IT!). I used to be "intelligent" now I am just "smart" and even then ....not really all that. SHIT!!
I DON'T HAVE A SOCIAL IDENTITY. I am not a jock nor a nerd nor a casanova...I....am....nothing. But heck as long as I can write I will.
Heck I might even get published! Though I find it bloody unlikely.
Still with all the craptastic books around (twillight) the possibility exists!
On the other hand there are tonnes of better writers than me so if I did get published I would feel guilt...Not only that, if I ever get published, it would all be drowned in a sea of moronic fiction anyways.
:<>
1 comment:
Vince, you know I love you right? As much as your sarcasm and vitriolic tendencies intimidate me, I can relate, if only very slightly (and I mean, by an infinitesimally small margin or a smidgen of what you may be venting - being enrolled at a 'faith-based' institution raises doubts as to whether or not you've become dogmatic and pedantic; if it doesn't, at least you're no more oblivious than the average American).
Then again, you're still you (I'd hardly call you 'nothing'- a pessimist of the tenth degree maybe, but not an absolute void of black hole proportions). I guess that's all that matters...
Just promise you won't go all suicidal on us ;)
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