six years ago..

Note: This blog is based on my perspective. I will also be a bit hypocritical. Don't kill me, just email me if you find stuff that I might have misunderstood for something else.

I was called "The Loner" during the last years of my Junior School life. Frankly, I didn't like it. But it was true that I preferred being alone rather than with being with the friends I had. I thought maintaining friendly relationships back then were just too complicated.

I was wrong.

It has been almost half a decade since I had that particular social mindset, and as the years passed one by one, I get to see firsthand what so-called 'friends to the end' can do to each other. About a year ago, I lost my faith on the existence of 'best friends'. Of course, that term itself is demandingly relative; and people find that it's just my way of saying: "I'm in denial." Who knows?

A friend of mine who jointly maintains Monochromatic Rainbows with her pals once defined 'friends' as "the people you'd spend time with on any given Saturday... and vice versa,". I could have instantly named a few who'd fit that description perfectly.

A long time ago I had thought that, as people grow more mature, the drama surrounding friendships would stop. I remembered having two 'best friends' who each told me not to like the other because they too were bickering with each other. I remembered having to act as if we were fighting everytime I was hanging out with one while the other was looking. Now that I look at it, it's funny how simple a friendship can be made or broken at the same time. What happened to them? They became the best of friends a few years later.

I remembered having this puppy-love crush on a girl about three years ago. Gullibly, I tried listening to the same music as she did, which was - according to her friend's partially true information - 'Hillsongs'. I actually bought CDs and tapes just to listen to the songs over and over again. Her friends told me how she was so active in church that I even signed up for activities in my own church! In the end, I realized how useless it was to have a 'girlfriend' at so young an age; so I told her friends that I wasn't interested in her anymore. What did they did? They told her everything. What did she did? She came up to me and said, "Sorry. I'm still a bit too young." Now, she's one of my closest friends, and the feat that I did to get her attention actually brought me closer to God. Wow.

Two years ago, I had more 'girlfriends' than 'guyfriends' that my parents actually took notice and were quite disturbed by it. During the same year, I also had one of the most wonderful classes in my whole life. We were one, and we had a great time as one. We took part in numerous competitions and whether or not we won or lose, we realized that each of us had fun - and that is probably one of the most important memories one can get during one's school life.

A year later my relationship with friends of the same sex grew tighter and again I was... me. I bonded with people I never thought would have bonded with. It was otherwise a great year. Nevertheless, as time goes by, my emotions and feelings also 'developed'. There was a phase in which I neglected ALL of my friends for a long period of time. I had a reason, but they weren't good enough to justify the actions I did. It went so bad that I actually thought suicide wasn't at all impossible..

My friends were there for me, but I acted as if I didn't need any help from them. I talked in riddles and it troubled them. I gave them clues obvious to me, but oblivious to them. It ended on a Friday, and I had to skip a class just to make things right again... for me at least. One of my friends lost her temper and just left. At once, I woke up.

No, this isn't right. I was completely conscious; I wasn't asleep. No, not hypnotized. I realized what I did. Yes. That's the word: 'realized'.

A few minutes later, I was at an empty counselor's office with another friend of mine - who's probably everybody's best friend. Without tampering anything on the vacant room, I found that the counselor won't be available until after-school. I couldn't wait that long. So there, in front of 'everybody's' best friend, I broke down. After that, it didn't take much time to fix things up with very understanding and forgiving pals. :D Thanks, guys.

This happened a little more than half a year ago. So what now?

Still I find 'BFFs' fighting over trivial matters, but I'm not one to judge, am I? In The Importance of Being Ernest, Algernon said: "Girls call each other other things before calling each other 'sisters'." That particular quote is quite true. People fight all the time, but if friends spend most of their time fighting rather than ..being there for each other, then what sort of structure are they building their friendship in?

I discussed this with x who, like many have numerous friends in school. X sees it as a cycle where one backstabs another for reasons too immature to be seriously talked about.

I once asked a friend of mine: "Hey, do you find me as a good friend?"

With a grin she replied,"I don't know you well enough to judge you, and let's hope I never do."