Dissatisfaction

Through the days in IB, I seldom stop and think after receiving the test papers followed by the given grade plastered on the paper bearing a big red/blue circle centering on the given score. It always make me think:

"Why is it always RED? Why can't I receive a 5 or 6...? At least once I would like to have such numbers..."

Yes. Throughout my entire career as a student pressured in IB (excuse me, during High School), I had never received a number greater than '5'. I would, of course, receive a 6 sometimes when I really-really work myself to the last minute; of course, the number still rarely pops in the paper. All I kept on receiving was the dissatisfaction of my effort; the magic number '4' or '3'. Was I destined to receive marks below five or fours?

I'm cursed--not physically cursed, but I do felt I'm cursed. Despite all the effort I've given, or how much time I've spent on something so meaningful in my academic life I somehow could never achieve the mark I've wished for. Its so close, yet so far away; far beyond my reach. Am I the only one to receive such low marks? Am I the only being around the entire school to have an almost un-changing academic life? Is this the result that I get despite all the effort I've put into. If there really was someone out-there determine to crash my academic life, I would gladly talk to that person and shove a gun on their mouth or knife to their throat; that would shut them up for good!

Comparing my present self with myself from the past, I greatly believe I perform better during my days in junior school--and I mean in grade 1. In my old school, out of 40-50 student, I achieve the '7th hot seat', one of the few 'top-ten' student. Out of forty to fifty! And I still think that's bad! Why? Every test I took in year 1, some of my friends and I had to stay behind and finish the test as we watch the rest of my classmates disassemble from the class and perform all sorts of chaotic actions in the school yard; sometimes running back to class crying due to a scrape in the knee. Moving on to my present school, my achievement slowly degrades from being 'good' to 'bad'. Now I wonder...why? Is it too late improve?

I am dissatisfied with myself. I sometimes hate myself--I really do. Despite how hard I've studied, no matter how many effort I've put into things just won't change! Even if I'm busted down to math studies I doubt I'll receive magic number 'five', 'six'--or even a 'seven'! Probably a 'four' or a 'three'. Call me an idiot for not attaining such high marks as most of my friends do. Call me an idiot for failing all of my math exams I've had for the past middle-high school years I've went through. Call me an idiot for struggling in algebra and quadratic equations...

...But don't call me an idiot for not giving up the things others deemed 'impossible' for me.

I am dissatisfied with myself...

...dissatisfied with my grades...

...

Have I worked hard enough? Have I really given all my effort into it?

...am I really that stupid?

...

...think I'll work harder next year...