My Home and Native Land

*Sorry if this blog entry was super late, but I couldn’t use the internet because I just moved and it wasn’t set up until today. I promise that I did this on Friday though, Ms. Jess! Sorry again for the lateness!*

My stomach churned, my legs trembled, and my eyes scanned the audience for my parents. The lights dazzled my sight and I felt small among the other students of my school as we slowly walked in on the stage. I was nervous, knowing full well that I would have to sing my solo later on in our school musical program; my first ever solo, to be exact. As my thoughts lingered to whether or not I would be able to recall all the words of the song, the sound of a baton rapping against a music stand interrupted my dreams of unspeakable humiliation in front of so large an audience. The conductor in front raised his hands and we all stood in attention.

And so the song began.

“Oh Canada, Our home and native land, True patriot love, In all thy sons command!…”

I sang along, never truly comprehending the meaning of the words as I was too young to realize what it actually meant to come from a nation. I was Chinese, but the country would not accept me as its own. I was born in Indonesia, but I haven’t a drop of blood in my veins which related me to its people. I lived in Canada long enough for it to consider me as a citizen, but I doubt I would ever be able to feel a national sort of pride for the country. I suppose I have, what people may refer to as, an identity crisis.

Ever since globalization had taken the world by storm, it has been difficult to realize from which nation we come from. Some people that I know from back in Canada could not find a sort of identity as well, especially in such a multicultural society where every citizen from different backgrounds is accepted in a setting of both tolerance and pride. Numerous times, I often contemplate what our world is coming to, which direction we are headed for. What would we do when enough of us do not have a nation we call home? What would we do when there would be no longer any sort of separation between cultural backgrounds, and we embrace the truth, that we are of one race; the human race?

In one of our English A1 classes, a fellow blogger commented as she read my Canadian national anthem bookmark that Canada indeed was not a true home for me. She was joking, of course, but I cannot but realize how right she actually was. Back in Canada, my classmates were so eager to have a sort of Canadian national pride, but I, being the natural Devil’s advocate, was often quiet during these discussions in usually contemplating the various lacks Canada had acquired over the years (like, for example, its horrible healthcare system and the fact that despite the promises of a better military system, our army absolutely sucks!). In essence, I was the odd one out in that I was the only one, for many years, to be born out of the country, and from the other side of the world to boot! I have, as a result from experience, an outside perspective on the world, being, in a way, ‘nationless’ (I coined a new word!).

What made my situation even more confusing was the aspect that in Canada I was made to study the second language as well as Mandarin in school. Being in a multicultural society did not help me find where I actually belonged, who I actually am. In modern society, the growing problem of numerous people not being able to belong to a certain nation is now becoming widely known. People are now able to fly, immigrate, and connect to each other so much more quickly and efficient than ever before. I find it quite strange that even though we are progressing, the simple problem of identity is now becoming a large stumbling block for many.

It was inevitably awkward to come back here again to Indonesia (a place where I solemnly vow I would never come back to again!..no offense!), knowing full well that I would return to Canada in the future. I realize that I would never truly belong to any nation and would never be able to experience a sort of national pride either. For some reason, I actually accept and welcome that aspect of my life. Even stranger is the fact that it actually marks me as different and unique. :)